Carrots are so god damn good for you.
For those of you who don’t know about carrots (or as I like to call them – Snowman Dicks), they are like bananas except orange and better. They got vitamin A. They got vitamin B. They got so much vitamin C. Literally, Carrots and the songstress Vitamin C dated on and off in high school and he took her virginity (both old fashioned and fanny-style) with his snowman dick. Carrots got Vitamin C in his honda. Carrots got Vitamin C under the bleachers. Carrots got Vitamin C in the La-Z-Boy while ya moms slept on the couch. And you know that Vitamin C song? The only one that’s worth a shit? The one about graduation? Well, Sharon told me that Vanessa told her that Vitamin C said that she really wrote that song about Carrots to bring closure to the turbulent relationship. See, apparently senior year Vitamin went totally PSYCHO on Carrots and threw all his Friends dvds into one of Keith’s bonfires. You remember Keith’s epic bonfires. OMG so fun. So Anyway, Vitamin wrote that song to apologize to Carrots and the cast of Friends. Like when she sings,
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever
the friends she is talking about are Ross, Chandaleer, Joey, Monica, Rach, Pheobs, and most importantly Carrots. Sharon said Vanessa said that they still talk from time to time but just as friends.
Carrots also improve your eyesight and make you horny when you eat them. Like Sex and the City horny. You know how people always say that people are “fucking like rabbits?” Well thats because rabbits eat carrots all day long and get horny as fuck. Plus, carrots go with everything. They are the sluts of the food community. They’re all like “I really do have strong feelings for peas, but I’m afraid of commitment, so I just fuck anything with two ears and smile.”
Here is a little instructional video outlining some ways to use snowman dicks. We’re headed down the Carrot Highway, motherfuckers. Speed limit strictly enforced.
Now, we here at LouBegaCalledHeWantsHisFedoraBack.com both took a lot of film classes in our community college days so we feel it necessary to provide a bona-fide critique of this clip. For educational purposes. And for carrots.
First off, Nigel is just about the coolest mother fucker in the world. I would munch on that dude’s big fat carrot dick until every last cow came home. I’m such a slut for a well dressed, articulate black man.
Cassidy is cute as all-get-out but seems a little desperate. Frankly it’s a turn off, which should say a lot because I’ve been eating carrots all day and would slide my linus into just about anything with a spinal chord at this point. You can tell that she is absolutely obseeeeessed with Nigel. It’s obvious. She’s wearing a matching outfit and everything. Pathetic. Well guess what bitch? Nigel wouldn’t waste his time on you. You’re garbage as far as Nigel is concerned. Even if you were the last two people on Earf and had had nothing to eat but carrots for weeks, Nigel would still rather stick that big ole orange Godsend of a pen15 into a hollowed out cantelope filled with cottage cheese rather than that musty old batcave underneath Wayne Manor.
Also, Tom Gorman is a really, really, really, talented musician…but a total cunt. The only reason anybody gives a shit about him is because he wrote a song about carrots and everybody likes carrots. Why don’t you get the fuck off carrot’s coat tails and make something of yourself, cunt. And nice vest by the way.