Boff

Leonardo “the Vinci” DiCaprio 

Face it guys, it takes more than hitting the gym and torching those Delts three times a week until they are more swoll than my labia at a John Mayer concert, to make a few stains on my futon. A pair of cowboy boots, some Brett Favre Wranglers, and an ass tighter than a baby blue whale’s blowhole won’t get you too far with me. Been there done that. That don’t impress-a me much. I mean, don’t get me wrong I think your alright but that won’t keep me warm in the middle of the night. Ultimate sex appeal takes brains too. Smart is sexy. Everybody knows that. Just axe Charlie Darwin. He was getting maaad poonan from all over.  That’s how he came up with Evolution. He was getting so much slit that his dick evolved, and began vibrating on its own accord. I tell people all the time, “If you ain’t packin’ upstairs, then I ain’t worried bout cha luggage downstairs,” and I truly do mean it, y’all.  That’s why I want to boff the beard off of Leonardo, who Zagats rated 3rd smartest man ever. And those muscles don’t hurt either! Take a gander at the photo to the right of Leonardo early in his modeling career. This was right before his stint on Growing Pains with Dr. Alan Thicke.  Such defined pectorals. And look at the Shmeckel! Oi vey!

Plus, he is such a Renaissance man. He paints. He sculpts. He invents. He engineers. He maths. He sciences. He musics. He is an awarding winning author. His work Da Vinci Code talks all about how Jesus is fake and how Tom Hanks should really have four Oscars instead of two and won Oprah’s 2004 book of the year award. Not to mention his acting. Ever heard of a little film I like to call “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” I’ll tell you what was eating him: his mom was super chunky and his brother was retarded. Or was he? What poise! What commitment! You almost had us fooled Leonardo! Probably the best rendition of a normal guy playing a retarded guy since all those movies with Owen Wilson. Hey Owen Wilson, your nose is crooked. Your voice is annoying. You play the same role in all your movies. Go kill yourself. Ok, that was maybe a little harsh. Marley and Me was pretty cute, I guess. But like, when the dog dies, it is so sad. I mean death is so depressing, you know? Cuz like when someone dies they are gone 4ever :’-( <-That’s how I felt you guys. It’s a crying face.  

Plus, he’s got an Italiano accenté (which gets me moister than an oyster). And that long beard and those flowing locks will give me something to hold on to when I’m riding rodeo style. Buckin’ bronco. Giddy up, Leo! And I bet he’s hung like a summer squash. Overall, I gar-an-tee he would be a great pokin’.