So, my cousin Jerry No Pubes works in the DMV. I says “Hey Jerry, Weez could make a bushel full of granny smiths (money) if we sold some of the secret answers you got holed up over there at the DMV.” Jerry No Pubes takes a second to think and he says “Ok Johnny Fanny Gina Head, but what’s in it for me?” So I convinced my sister Terry Brown Husband to give him a dry handie in the bed of his Tacoma behind the Hobbytown U.S.A and got the secret answers. So without further ado…

1. b) 30 ft

2. c) Half an hour before sunset and half an hour after sunrise

3 . a) Wait until the way ahead is clear and then pass

4. d) All of the above

5. b) Stop and yield right-of-way to the pedestrian

6. c) Cutting lines of blow on the dashboard while Fitzy puts the body in the trunk

7. a) Fallopian tubes

8. c) 3.4 inches, soft

9. c) No more than 3 fingers unless specifically requested otherwise

10. b) Wipe clean any fingerprints and hide the gun under some trash in the dumpster around the corner then go hide out at Aunt Francine’s for a week or two. Once everything cools down a little bit go get a haircut (one that makes you look like less of a cunt) and grow a beard. Not like a big mountain man beard though. That’s a dead giveaway. I’m talking something well trimmed . For instance, like Al Borland of Tool Time fame. You know, something respectable like that. You could even get a plaid button down, if you wanted.

11. d) Either September 11th or swing dance classes

12. a) Smoking reefer doobies in your parents basement and attempting to write the screenplay for a sequel to Boyz N The Hood

13. d) R.L. Stein

14. d) Wiper fluid

15. b) Case the place for a week, pretend like you’re there to make a withdrawal, then smash in the bank manager’s nose with the butt of your pistol. Shouldn’t have problems after they see that you’re not fucking around

16. c) Don’t make eye contact and deny, deny, deny

17. b) While some claim that it’s a myth, it is actually located in about an inch and then up

18. d)Green means go, yellow means slow, and red means it’s probably infected

19. e) MC Hammer or Rick James

20. a) Your grandmother is dead, buy flowers

We at Lou Bega Called suggest that you intentionally miss 2 or 3 answers so that no one starts acting funny. If this gets back to us, then we will be none too pleased. We might have to chop your vagina off and sell it to someone who will actually use it.  You are still going to have to take the driving portion. Please send your Granny Smiths to Louis F. Bega, 5467 Jerk Circle, Dumpstains, VA 66633. You’re Welcome.

Coming next week: The Answers to the SATs