I’m going to be Frank. I’m better at being Earnest when I can be Frank. But I just don’t want to seem like a Dick because of how Frank I am. So hopefully, you’ll read this, realize how Earnest and Frank I am being, while simultaneously not trying to act like the Dick I have been, then maybe you Will meet me for a cup of Joe. That’s the least you could Grant me. I know we’ve been going through some real booshit lately and I know I’ve Ben aloof. Aloof as shit. So aloof that I lost touch with who I was. So aloof that I lost touch with who YOU were. But I just wanted you to know that the old me, the me you fell in love with, is back. And I’m here to stay, baby. It’s like the new me got so preoccupied with working and paying the bills and getting the oil changed and eating edamame and taking Darren to Taekwondo practice that I forgot what was really important. Us, Sharon. That’s all there is. You, me, and that precious little Kenyan boy in there that took 3 years of clawing and scratching to adopt. Yous guys are everything to me. And the new old me sees that now, something that the new me wasn’t capable of. That new me is all in the past now Sharon. That’s the old new me. You know, the old new me lost his sense of adventure and spontaneousness. You saw it. I saw it. Darren was even beginning to ask questions. “Diddy,” he’d say “why don’t you hit on Krista’s mom anymore at Taekwondo? She’s beginning to think that you don’ t really like her or see a future with her. You can’t just do that stuff, Dad. You can’t just give someone, especially my sparring partner’s Mom, the best late afternoon fuck sesh of their life and then act like that person doesn’t exist. You didn’t raise me that way. And I know Grandpa didn’t raise you that way. Now get in there, and show Mrs. Thompson that you are the person that she thinks you are. Or don’t, and prove us all right. Me. Krista. Mom. Mrs. Thompson. We all see that you have changed and are not the same man. So, do what you want, just know that we are not going to be here to help you and console you when the bottom drops out, bucko. Know that shit.” Well, no more of that corduroy wearing pencil-pusher, Sharon, I swear. I’m the new and improved new old me again and for good this time. You remember, the me that always had weed and change for a dollar. The me that always tried to finger you once they turn the lights down in the movie theater. The me that shaves Mickey Mouse into his curly-pubes. The me that always carries a gun, just in case things get Harry. I’m back babe. I’m the new old me, again. Now fire up the Hyundai Sonata, we’re going to CiCi’s.
Frank, Earnest, Dick, Will, Joe, Grant, Ben, and Harry