Good morning fellow students. For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Perry Stiffschrode or as some of you have referred to me, after my little incident in the gym last September, “Perry Boner, Boner-Soup.” I am addressing you this morning to inform you that I will be running for Vice President of the SGA for the Sophomore Class of 2011 in the upcoming elections.
To start out, let me tell you what makes me tick. Responsibility: I have 5 gerbils that I take care of all by myself. Loyalty: I sponge bathe my comatose grandmother even though I wish she was dead. Hard work: I’ve worked my way up to Assistant Drive-Thu Attendant at Chik-Fil-A in only 4 months. I am 5’6” and when I eat asparagus my pee smells awful. My LARPing character is a wood elf named Raniver of the House of Lórien. My specialty mage spell is Blizzard Inferno with a lightning bolt augmentation, I’ll have you know. Just to clear up any rumors floating around, Raniver is a pansexual entity as all wood elves are. When the costume comes off and I’m in this realm, I leave my pansexuality at the door. And I expect you to do the same. Period.
I am also actively involved in a lot of school organizations, including Youths for American Oral Hygiene Society, Fellowship of Future Orthodontists, Ninjas With Attitude: Kicking the Shit Out of Diabetes, and a founding member of the Vinny Diesel Acting Appreciation Association. For anyone interested, this week the VDAAA will be screening The Chronicles of Riddick at my house. My mom, Sharon, makes some bitchin’ fish tacos and Grapico and her new boyfriend, Grant, is gonna lay down some smooth jazz on his recorder.
Let me just say right now, everybody who is running against me I respect. They are all just as qualified as myself, if not more so. I would proudly have any of these individuals as my SGA Vice President. With the exception of Julius Nadelberg, who I know for a fact has been caught looking at animal porn by his parents multiple times. Look at the facts people. Do you really want some one-legged beastiality enthusiast representing you as a student body? No, I didn’t think so.
You know what, I had this whole speech prepared to tell you about what I plan to do when I get elected SGA Vice President, but fuck it. Fuck it right in it’s pink-starfish pussyhole. Instead, I’m just going to speak from the heart. Just like my grandpappy and his grandpappy before him. I’m not going to fill your heads with false promises of all the shit I’m going to do as your SGA representative because let’s be honest, Vice President doesn’t do anything anyways. But there are a few things that I can garantee you I’ll do if I am elected.
First off, Backwards Day. One day every month, everything is going to get flippity-flappity-flopped upside down like Bizarro World style. All of our class schedules will be backwards, so you start with your last class and end with your first. And in class the students will get to be the teachers and the teachers will be the students. Boys will wear girls clothes and girls will wear big black strap-on dildies and fake ‘staches. And slavery will be legal again and all the slaves will have to wear potato sacks for clothes and call all the white people “mastuh” or they’ll get the shit beat out of them. Backwards Day.
Second, I’m going to make Tina Fingerling my girlfriend once and for all. As you know, me and Tina had a little thing going back in 5th grade and it’s high time we rekindle this love into a burning inferno, so that we may one day be wed under the 2 moons of the House of Lórien. This doesn’t really have anything to do with you guys, but as SGA Vice Prezzy I think Tina would totally let me sneak a peek at that toight hoochie-coochie. I mean, she let Teddy Ramble cum in her hair under the bleachers last Thursday after P.E. and he’s just Secretary of the A.V. Club.
Third, and probably most important, as SGA Vice President I will make sure the Cafeteria serves popcorn chicken at least once a week. And you best believe that it will be served with those awesome smiley face french fries that when you push them down into ketchup it makes them look like blood is coming out of their eyeholes and mouth. See, I have an advantage over the other candidates. I happen to be real close to Donna, the thrice divorced, mole speckled lunch lady in the caf. She’s in my LARPing tribe, and one Sunday after practice she let me tweak her right nipper for gas money. So, I have an in. Hear that, Nadelfuck? You don’t stand a chance in this election, you horsecock-smoker.
And finally I will petition the faculty to bring back the Sophomore Ski Trip. This is a time weathered tradition that must be kept alive. Not only will it provide us with the bonding experience, empowering us to beat the Juniors at the pep rally, but it’s probably my only chance to finger Tina before she gets her braces off and all the Senior guys make a Chinese finger trap out of her.
In conclusion, Backwards Day, Tina Fingerling, Popcorn Chicken, Sophomore Ski Trip, and Julius looks at animal porn. Thank you, God Bless America, and GO PANTHERS!