With elections coming around in 2012, the talk of the town is what’s going on with the O Man? Will the Godless baby killing Democrats keep B-Rock in the hot seat? Or are those racist Koran burning ‘Publicans gonna get knee deep in some of that oval office pussaaaay and gas some mexicans? With a shitty 43% approval rating, one thing is for sure: kid better juice up those numbers or he’s going to have to give some H-jobs in the voting booth.
Let me start off by saying right-off-the-bat, from the get-go, straight-up, I’m no political analyst. But I do have over 1,200 friends on facebook so I’m pretty fucking sure I know a thing or two about being popular. I don’t want to brag or whatever but I was voted “Most Approved” in my high school yearbook. And I used to take big fat stinky dumps in all the nerds’ lunchboxes in middle school. That being said, I thought I’d share some tips with my black president Obama on how to make the whole country climb back aboard the Change Bus for the 2012 elections. Toot Toot!
1. Run on the Republican ticket and have that surgery that Michael Jackson had, where you turn white and become friends with Macaulay Culkin.
2. Do a guest appearance on Glee. Josh Groban did it and last time I checked Grobs has like a 89% approval rating. With that smile that lets you know that everything is going to be alright. With those eyes that whisper “you’re the only thing in the world that matters.” With those curls you just want to grab and tug as you reach a screaming climax buck’n bronco style.
3. Grow your afro out, guy. Afros transcend racial barriers. Whitey likey. Blackie likey. Everybody likey. Plus a big ass ‘fro will remind everybody of simpler times: the 1970s, when the streets were paved with cocaine and Kool and the Gang records. Gas was a nickel-a-bucket. Dad was sober. And you didn’t have to worry about Chris Hansen popping out every time you want to get a little of that fresh tightness.
4. Fix the economy already. People are seriously starting to get pissed.
5. Next time there is a tsunami, send it towards China instead of Japan. The Chinese are really scaring everybody here in America. They got like a gajillion people and they are smart as dick. AS DICK. If it’s not the machines that take us over, it will be the Chinese. Although, the machines will be made in China, so it’s kinda the same thing. All I’m sayin’ is that we, as a nation and as a planet, could afford to lose about 3 million of those smartdick blackhaired fucks.
6. Get rid of stuff people don’t like. Like immigrants and rough TP. I can’t be the only one who wants smoother beanholes and for America to speak only one language.
7. Catch that 9/11 dude.
8. IMPORTANT! Get a voice coach. Right now your sitting at only a solid baritone. Straight up. Real talk. Which is fine for a one term black president. But if you want another 4 black years, you need range. Frankie Roosevelt could hit that high C over middle E. I think that with the right v.c., we could take those angelic pipes to tenor-ville. Maybe even bass-town, if you get the right coach. May I suggest Josh Groban?
9. Go Country! Once again, every one loves you once youv’e gone country. Throw some southern twang into your speeches. Say ”y’all” and “fixin’ to” and “Damnit, Michelle, I’ma go upside that head if’n ya don’t cut down that racket you call an Athsma inhaler.” Stuff like that. Also, make Toby Kieth the Secretary of Defense. This has just been a long time coming. Look at them boots!
That should help you get started and give a lil boost to those numbers, but you have to remember, as long as you look different, articulate, and claim to be a Democrat, the white people (decision-makers) will always hate you no matter what you do. Love you. Black President. Hallelujah Hallelujah!