Tatyana Ali,
If you’re reading this somewhere, maybe on your laptop in some sophisticated L.A. coffee shop, sipping you’re tall iced soy mocha frap- no whip, maybe you googled yourself just to see if anything new popped up, well we just wanted to say that we are so proud of you. We’ve watched you grow over the years from a young Ashley Banks, Will Smith’s tomboy lil cousin living the life of luxury in Fresh Prince to a nubile, ebony goddess 
with the voice of a Siren. Like the enchanting Greek seductresses, not like a high-pitched noisemaker that alerts one of emergencies. We loved you as a young, budding actress. Now, we’re so proud of the woman you’ve become. No drug problems. No sex tape (although we wouldn’t complain). And you didn’t turn into a fatty like Raven Symone from The Cosby Show and That’s So Raving. For real, bitch got fat. Cheetah Girls, more like Elephant Girls! Get it? Because they are both indigenous to Africa but elephants are way fatter? I probably shouldn’t make fun of her because ya’ll are prolly best friends since she was in Season 2, Episode 21 “Vying for Attention” of Fresh Prince in 1992 or whatever. Anyways, the point is we’re proud of you because not only are you beautiful, but politically active and polite. And yeah, of course we forgive you for not sending that lock of your hair that we requested, even though we have been sending you flowers everyday for 3 years. I mean I’m sure you just forgot to drop it off at the post office, right? I feel like you really get me, you know? You never judge me, even though it would be so easy for you to do (your dad being Judge Uncle Phil and all). It’s like
you’re sending me messages in everything you do. Right to my brain hole. I remember that episode where you and Hilary got into a fight because you told her she was adopted because she was so light-skinned. I know that, secretly, that was a commentary about your overall distrust for the white man, something that I have been preaching about for years, ever since Vanilla Ice starred in Secret of the Ooze. And now that we’ve sort of opened up this dialogue and told you how proud we are, we wanted to apologize for breaking into your house last February and stealing used tampons out of your bathroom trash can. We wouldn’t have had to break the window if you hadn’t locked us out, TATYANA! Why don’t you answer my emails? Why the fuck don’t you love me?! I know everything about you. I know what gym you go to. I know you like to eat cold pizza. I know your social security number. I swear to God, if you would just give me a chance I’ll prove to you that we were made for each other. And if you don’t I’m going to cut your head off and put it in my freezer so I can keep it with me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Hehe!
Love you Tatyana!
Your Secret Admirer
