Errybody and their greasy granny with holes in her panties knows that the best comedians are the ones that harp on racial differences AT ALL TIMES. Black, White, Asian, Mexican, Japanese, whatever. If you bring attention to peoples’ cultural differences, it’s like a guaranteed home run. It’s outta there, baby. Like Babe Ruth style. The Babe. The Big Blue Ox.  You’ve got to understand, rule #1 of comedy: It’s funny because it’s true, you guys. Whether you are talking about how Mexicans can grow mustaches at the age of four or how Asians talk like a bunch of pots and pans banging together- “ching chong cling clang duck sauce,” you are going to get big laughs. T-rust me. So we’ve prepared a little brainstorm session to help get your racial juices flowing. Today’s focal point is the classic group: blackies and whities. They’ve been going at it for years, like when white folks enslaved all those black folks or when black folks decided they wanted to go to school. I mean, that constant back and forth is hilarious! Here’s a few difference between black-asses and white-asses to help with your racial humor:

1) Shoes: Black people wear basketball shoes (Adidas and Nike, not FILA, FILA is for Asian soccer moms), white people wear penny loafers and flip flops. White people like penny loafers because they are total gay wads. They like to wear them with linen shorts and without socks, so that they can show off they sleek sexy milky white ankles while they play croquet in the yard and drink Shirley Temples. Same with the flops. It’s all about the bare ankles with white folks. You would never NEVER catch a black person wearing flip flops. Feel me? They have to constantly wear closed-toe shoes so that they can run from the police or start a pick up game of sports. They are very good at sports. Waaay better than the white people who invented them. Black folks like the brands Nike and Adidas because they like Michael Jordan and Run DMC, respectfully. Interestingly, while Air Jordans are known universally as “fly mother fucking feet condoms,” blacks folks have not taken to Hanes products, which #23 also endorses. In fact, black people don’t usually wear underwear. It slows them down in case they want to run from the police or play sports. And let’s face facts, errybody- M.J., whitey, blackey, the Jews- errybody like Citrus Cooler Gatorade best. Which reminds me of my favorite thing I like to say while I’m belly buttton deep in a badass bitch: “Is it in you?”

2) Pablo Picasso: White people prefer Picasso’s Blue Period (1901-1904) , Black people prefer his Cubism stuff (1909-1912). White folks identify with the somber subject matter and austere use of color. Plus, they generally like blue shit: Avatar, Blue Man Group, swimming pools, Blue Oyster Cult. They love it. They. Loooove. It. However, black folks like how Picasso deconstructed and reconstructed shape, highlighting the subjectivity of the perceiver, during his cubist period. They are also big fans of the 1997 Horror Sci-Fi film Cube.  In this film, a diverse group of strangers have to work together to escape the mysterious and dangerous giant cube they are trapped in. Black people generally like stories of teamwork (might be why they like sports?).

3) White people are serial killers. Black people generally don’t go on murder sprees. (Except all rappers and O.J. Simpson).  Think of all the serial killers throughout history. Dahmer. Gacy. Bundy. Reagan. They were all white as fuck. They were whiter than Anne Hathaway fucking an all white unicorn in a snowstorm. Black folks ain’t never hurt nobody. They were too busy learning how to dance and play sports better than whitey to get mixed up in all this “my dog told me to rape, then eat, my entire family” business.  Think Rose Parks said it best, “can’t we all just get along?”

4) White people like gondola rides. Black people LOVE gondola rides. There’s something about sitting in the back of a gondola, gently drifting down the canals of Venice, sipping red wine, starring into the eyes of the woman you love while a mustacheod gondolier serenades you with  traditional Italian love songs in a throaty baritone. You and your lover’s lips meet. Your olfactory senses tingle with the smell of freshly baked bread, of the flower vendors of Calle Specchieri, and of course the lingering scent of your lover’s saturated panties. Your hand slowly slides under her dress while you whisper into her ear.”Facciamo l’amore.” Two fingers ease into her sweet honey pot.  She winces in ecstasy. She grabs onto your arm, begging for more. You get wrist deep in dat shit, daaaawg, plunging  with a vengeance. Die Hard 3 style. She begins howling like a New World monkey with banana fever but you don’t stop until you feel a snag. What’s all this? You pull out your slimey fist only to find that your watch has gone  missing. “That’s a four-hundred dollar watch you swallowed up you fucking bitch!” you shout. You rear back your hand, about to show her face how much stronger you are than her, when you realize that the gondola is gaining a lot of water. Your lover had been juicing like a punctured Capri Sun during the fisting conference and the gondola is going down fast. There’s nothing you can do, you’ve got to abandon ship but you’re scared. You wait until the last possible moment, fill your lungs with air, and jump over board.

If these suggestions don’t get your proverbial comedic pussy dripping like a roast beef sammie soaked with Au Jus, we suggest growing your hair out, dying it red, perm that shit, go to the gym and work out until you’re swoll like a freckly gorilla, then just make some funny props. Like a walker with a Viagra dispenser and tube o’ lube on it. Get it? For old people? Cuz they can’t keep their dicks hard or their pussies sufficiently lubricated or whatever? Everybody loves that shit.