Just got the new Sims on my Macintosh, bout to go to town (pun intended). I’m gonna build so much awesome shit it’s gonna make that faggy-asslovin’ rollercoaster ride you built last year seem like a swift kick to the dick and ballsacks. Been mappin’ out my city for months now in between kitty naps, since I got fired from Quimbie’s last year. Everyday, just nappin’ and mappin’. My city is going to make blood spew from your buttmouth like a Kansas City fountain. It’s gonna have everything: super dope two story ice dancing rinks, like 3 or 4 Museums of Natural History, 1 Museum of Unnatural History, a gas station, fire hydrants, an abandoned lot where a former employee burnt down the Quimbie’s that used to occupy it, after they fired him for stealing slices of Extra Sharp Cheddar from the walk-in cooler. Ev-ver-ry thing. I’m gonna have a public swimming pool where no kids are allowed so the water doesn’t taste like baby piss. Gonna have a Gold’s Gym where sleeves are required, barb-wire tattoos are banned, and headphones are allowed but only if you are listening to The Wiggles. Only positive vibes, man. Wigglin’ out at the Gold’s. For sure.
Gonna have a mosque on every corner. I know how those Muslims love to pray. Except not within 5 miles of the airport. Cuz of 9/11 or whatever. There’s also going to be an orphanage right across the street from the hospital. And it’s gonna have one of those Blockbuster drop boxes so you don’t have to fill out any paperwork to drop off that little ball of throw-up after your baby momma gets done queefing that thing out her puzzzzzzzzz.
I’m also going to ban smoking cigarettes in work spaces and/or public places like restaurants (Shoney’s), cars, and funerals. We, the citizens of this city, have a right to breathe in fresh, buttery air into our nostrils without being poisoned by smokeheads like you. It’s like, seriously bro, you’re suffocating me with that cancer smog. Would you put that thing out already? Thanks. What, you think you look cool like James Dean or something? Yah right bro, yah right, in you’re dreams. You look like a puffer fish sucking on a little skinny white dick. You think that shit’s hardcore, huh? Sucking on a skinny white dick is hardcore? You think you’re a big tough cigarette man, huh? Fahgetabaddit. Yah. Right. Bro. What, you think because black president Obama smokes that it’s “cool” now or something? If Obama jumped off a bridge would you too? Bet you would. You’re a sheep, man. Baaa Baaa Black President Sheep. God, how bout you think for yourself for once in your god damn life. Open your third eye, guy. Forget Obama. Seriously. Block out his negative vibes. He’s running this country into ground beef. He needs to practice some fiscal responsibility and realize that he can’t just print out Obama bucks all the live long day, smoking cigarettes, and munching on Michelle’s big fat 8 pound box o’ chocolate. See, he has no private sector business experience. He doesn’t understand. Period. The only experience he has is lightin’ up cigs and reading the Koran.
But we don’t have to worry about all that in my Sim city. No siree Bob. Obama ain’t prezdent round these parts. I’m prezdent round these parts and what I say goes. Like when I say that all the bitches in my city are gonna be topless and have double D titty-mounds. It’s gonna be a nip-nip carnival complete with boner bumper cars. And the sewer system in my new Sim city is gonna empty out right into Selena Gomez’s mouth. She be eatin’ dookie splatter bombs all day erryday.
Also, every second to last weekend of August we are going to have a Parkour exhibition. People are going to be running and jumping off shit. Doing flips. Barrel rolls. I saw ‘em doing it on a Nike commercial and it looked cool as a fucking cucumber. If the city council gives me any guff about it I’m going to be like, “Hey dickspindles, get your head out of your keisters. Haven’t you ever seen a Nike commercial? Haven’t you watched the Bourne Identity? Ever heard of Jackie Chan? Ever drank Mountain Dew? Ever done the Dew, DUDE? Parkour is cool as shit. It’s like Cirque du Soleil except on the cold hard streets of life and instead of leotards, The Beatles, and man on man rape , they are wearing Nikes and cargos and sweatbands and pounding out hot vajizzy after a fat ass jump. Raw athleticism. Like rawer than WWE monday nights. Like rawer than Eddie Murphy comedy specials. Like rawer than my sweet sugar walls after I stay at Uncle Garrett’s for the weekend. I’m gonna be like so super psyched. And just think of the revenue boost to local businesses that we will receive from this exhibition. Tourists’ bucks flowing right into our coffers.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither was my new Tony Little Gazelle Freestyle Elite. And my new city, Spicy Mayonnaise Dicktown, won’t be either. First I just gotta
get my dad to give me the password to his brand new Apple Macintosh, and it’s on like my socks when I masturbate.