When it comes to ninja turtles, everybody knows Raphael is cool, but rude. Like seriously rude. RAVISHINGLY rude. Rude Boying out his blowhole, Rihanna style.

It’s like he doesn’t have a lick of respect for authority or anybody. He’s always in a bad mood and saying dickhead stuff. He is  a dramatic little teenage puss and thinks his life is so hard and no one understands him. Well you know what Raphael, fuck you in your watertight pooper. You little emo bitch. You get to eat pizza and stab people with twin sais all day. Rough fucking life there, Raph. And you get to live in a sewer. Do you have any idea what I would give to live in a sewer for one measly day? God, sewers are like the coolest place to hang out. It’s an underworld maze of tubing. It’s like D-Z Discovery Zone except with waterfalls and used tampons everywhere. You’ve got nothing to complain about, guy. You don’t have to be so rude to everybody.

Apparently Splinter didn’t teach that turtle one bit of manners. I’m not holdingthat against him though. He’s a nappy headed rat that taught a bunch of turtles karate. That in itself is a pretty impressive feat. To expect that he would have time to teach Raphael how to not be a cunt all the time may be an unrealistic expectation. Donatello seemed to learn on his own pretty fucking quickly though. Just saying.

Aside from an irreparable character flaw, there are only three real reasons I can think that Raphael is such a rude-ass.

1) Premature hair loss. He’s only a teenager but his dome is smoother than a tub of margarine. This baldness may have led to some confidence issues. In which case, his rudeness may just be a defense mechanism. He got dealt a bad hand, I’ll give him that. But it’s not like he’s the only one. All his teenage mutant ninja bro’s are bald too. And if it really bothers you so much Raph, put on a ballcap! DUUUH.

2) He also may be self conscious because he feels less talented than his turtle brethren. Leonardo, as the eldest turtle, has assumed leadership position of the gang. And understandibly so, Leo is a sober and rational decision maker. He’s like JFK but with two fucking swords! If I’m in a gang and someone has one sword, much less TWO, and all I got is a little pussy-baby wooden stick, then of course I’m taking orders from the dude with gigantic katanas. And that’s not a crack at Donatello. Donny is a fucking computer wiz kid. Wiz Khalifa on the mouses and keys, son. He got a bachelors in mechanical engineering from MIT and was in the top 10 percentile of his graduating class. Magnum. Cum. Alotta. He once showed me the schematics for this robo-sex broad he was developing to take to the Sadie Hawkins. She was so totally sssstacked. She had bazoombas like out to HERE and nipples so puff’d they might as well have been ‘mallows. Anyways, while Raph E. L. is known to be somewhat cool, despite his rudeness, he is nowhere near as cool as his younger brother Michelangelo. He feels overshadowed by the hip socialite. Mike sees the best in everyone and is always the life of the party. He loves heady ‘za and who can blame him? He is as cool a “dude” as there ever was. Raphael resents his brothers because he feels inferior. He responds to this inferiority complex by putting his brothers down and making them feel like shitheads, when in fact it is he, Raphael, that is the shithead.

3) He wants to get all up in April’s boohiney but he knows that interspecies premarital sex is a sin. It’s like he’s having to live a lie. The turtles’ strict evangelical upbringing has forced him to deny who he really is. He knows if he acted on these feelings that he’d be shunned and would probably end up having to join The Foot Klan to make ends meets. As a Foot, he at some point would have to fight it out with his bro’s and he knows how fucking good they really are at karate. Their like a bunch of reptilian Jackie Chans. So he represses these sinful emotions. He is like a prisoner in his own shell. As a result turns his pain outwards, hurting the ones he cares most about. He acts like a huge green piece of dickhole so that he can distract himself from the forbidden sexual desires he’s got bubblin’ down within. Tragic, actually.
And if Dr. Freud was right, he probably also wants to both kill and have sex with Master Splinter. You see, Splinter served as both a surrogate mother and father figure for the turtles, since they were abandoned by their true parents. See, they were thrown into the sewers of NYC by their folks because were too young and too broke to support four children.   A genetic mutation occurred while they were playing in some ooze one time and they became human sized, and could speak English and fucking chow down on premium pies. So this wise old, similarly mutated karate master rat was like, “my late ex wife and I could never have children, so I’ll raise these turtle pups as my own.” He was their mommy and daddy. Puzz and dong. The blade and the chalice. Sex and death. With this complex mixture of emotions swirling around in that turtle skull of his, it’s no wonder Raphael has such difficulty with social interactions. Dude is fucked in the head, but that’s our Raph. Just wish he’d put a sock in it sometimes and quit being such a sloppy buttpussy.