Serious. Got some real ass goosebumps on this one. Fa really doe. Lookin’ like geese up in here with hundreds of bumps covering every square inch of our torched bods. Laying eggs and shit. Eating little pieces of bread. Chasing kids. Trying to peck their eyeballs. Our bumps, our bumps, our loosey goosey bumps. Like that Black Eyed Peas song? But we changed the words a little bit? Weird Al style. He should totally use that for one of his epic polka parodies. With his accordion. We saw Weird Al in a Ruby Tuesdays once, munching out on some bacon ched sliders. Shit looked di-vine. He’s not as weird in real life as he pretends to be on the TV. The bizarre tale in R.L.’s latest Goosebumps was way weirder than Al. Believe that.
Stein’s literary masterpiece is a modernist quest to define the self. There ain’t been chops like this from the Stein family since the days of R.L.’s lesbian grandmammy, Gertrude. R.L. explores the human condition like only R.L. can. Shit had me going through the works. The water works. I cried. I screamed. I shivered. I hooted. I hollered. My hair stood on end. I hid my head under my blanket. I nearly jumped clean out of my skin. The only thing I couldn’t do was PUT IT DOWN. LOL. CuZ IT WUz sO GoOoD!!! Talk about a page turner.
The protagonist, Xander Magoo, is everyman. Your average Average Joe. His parents’ working class background makes him the symbol of the proletariat’s hopeless quest to transcend social stratification. Stein uses Xander’s hamster, hopelessly running on it’s wheel, to represent the capitalist charade. Deep Mon.
This Marxist masterpiece follows Magoo as he is flung into the world of bone chilling fright along with his best friend and fountainhead of comic relief Blaine “Earwig” Jewstein. Their adventure begins when they find out that their Chemistry Teacher, Mr. Gorbachev, has been catnapping the neighborhoods’ felines. And by catnapping, I don’t mean taking a quick snooze on the couch after inhaling a can of tuna. I’m talking about kitty abductions! Pussy snatching!
So Xander and Earwig plot out a wicked scheme to catch Mr. Gorbachev red fucking handed on none other than ALL HOLLOWS EVE. WoOoOo! SPoOoOoKY. So they sneak into Mr. Gorbachev’s house and set up a camera crew so that they can bust him To Catch a Predator style. Dateline NBC Y’all. Chris Hansen eat your heart out.
Long story short, one thing leads to another and they end up in a high speed chase on
their Huffy bikes. Then there’s like…a swamp….And….there’s this whole thing about Mr. Gorbachev keeping his teaching position because of tenure…maybe there was something about a golden amulet? I’ll be honest, I might have just skimmed the last couple chapters. But it really was good! I swear, like the first 30 pages were fucking fire ass fire. It just got late and I had one of those weeks.
Like for instance on Wednesday, I went to Belk’s to get some of these fucking Ralph Lauren ties like James Franco wears and they CANCELLED my Belk’s Rewards Plus Credit Card. What kind of jergoffs do they got running this place? How the heck do these royal jergoffs expect me to buy any Ralph Lauren ties if they cut me off? Like, Ralph is a personal friend of mine and with one fucking phone call I could BURY YOU, Belk’s. Like, he invited me to his nephew’s baptism in Milan and if I gave him the word, he would pull his entire line from your stores so fast that your jergoff heads would twist clean off your little chode bodies. Don’t think I won’t, Belk’s. I’m not the kind of guy you want to fuck with. All I want is my fucking Belk’s Rewards Plus Credit Card with the 10% discount so I can buy some fucking Ralph Lauren ties so I can look like James Franco. HE IS HANDSOME.
Did you see Pineapple Express? So Funny. Talk about range. Just when you think you’ve got James Franco’s figured out, he comes out of left field with a doozie like this. God damn it, he’s good. Rise of the Planet of the Apes? He was like a super smart monkey scientist that taught them how to read books. Nailed it. Spider-Man 3? He’s was an evil goblin and ripped Toby McGuire’s dick off. Pure gold. He’s like a shape shifter or something the way he goes from role to role. Like a shape shifting mighty morphing changeling chamillionaire or something. God bless.