Good afternoon students and faculty of Hummingbird High. As most of you already know from my time on the lacrosse field, my name is Julius Nadelberg and I will be running for SGA Vice President of the Sophomore Class. I’d like to say a few words about why I think you should elect me in the upcoming election.
But before I get started, I’d like to address a few of the unmitigated rumors that have been wafting through the halls. Specifically, those started by my opponent Perry Stiffschrode. I would like to make clear that I, Julius Nadelberg, have not been “caught” “multiple times” by my “parents” looking at “animal porn,” to use my opponent’s words. There is absolutely no basis for this accusation. Firstly, what do you mean by “caught”? Do you mean that my parents set up a trap with animal porn dangling over a large pit covered with palm leaves and as I approached, I fell deep into a crevasse? Because I can assure you that never happened. Secondly, what do you mean by “multiple times”? More than 3? More than 6? 15? I mean, you’re going to have to be more specific here, Perry. I know the students and faculty of double H are a pretty saavy bunch, so we are going to need you to tighten up your semantics. And lastly, what do you mean by animal porn? Human-on-animal? Animal-on-animal? Mammal-on-reptile? Seriously, let’s be honest with ourselves, is there anything really wrong with watching two Galapagos Tortoises have sex? No. It’s for science. Or like, one big lion dick tearing that lady lion’s ass up out there on the savanna with the African sun beating down? No. Science. What about like two gorillas out there in the rainforest pounding it out, bellowing with low primal grunts? No. What if one of those gorillas is really a guy in a gorilla suit and the rainforest is really just plastic plants that you set up to recreate his environment? Still, no. It’s just science, people! What’s the difference? I don’t see what the big deal is.
All I’m saying is get your facts straight, Perry. To be honest, I saw your attack coming from a mile away. We all did. Real sloppy picnicin’ and politicin’ there, pal. Me? I’m gonna take the high road. Sure I could sit up here on my soapbox and remind everyone of the now infamous Boner Soup-Gate, where my esteemed opponent was caught red-handed in the cafeteria kitchen with his little mini funsize Snicker’s dick in the clam chowder while Donna, the mole bespeckled lunch-lady, spanked his bare ass with a spatula. But that’s not my style. I mean if I felt so inclined, I could go on and on for days about how Perry Stiffschrode has never seen The Notebook or any film adaptation of a Nick Sparks novel for that matter. I know! But once again, that’s not the game I want to play. I want to play it straight. Like the opposite of what Perry’s real dad turned out to be. I mean, everyone in town knew that Mr. Stiffschrode loved to wear Hello Kitty underoos, but nobody guessed that he was out there every night (and some mornings) passing out mouthfucks to any walking pecker with a smile and sideburns. So, I’m not going to take cheap shots. Not my modus operandi. I’m just going to tell you the things that I can do as your Vice President.
Nothing. I will not change a thing. Students have come up to me these last few weeks and the feeling I’ve got is that they are all pretty content with things the way they are. Why go fucking with shit when the shit ain’t need fuckin’ with? Nawmean? I don’t go into your job and tell you that you need to change up your ways and not get so binged out on heroin before it’s your turn to dance on the main stage, do I? Fuck nah. Change is scary is all I’m saying. Who needs it?
Okay, but some of you may be asking yourselves “Hey Julius, why should we elect you?” Valid question, valid question. To find the answer to that question, I want you all to look under your seats right now, where you will find three Oprah style give-aways. First is a copy of new Jason Mraz CD that isn’t coming out until May. My dad is Jason’s manager you know. Second is a coupon for 20% off any Aeropostale spring break must-haves. Graphic tees, board shorts, capris, all the hottest gear. And last but not least, an invitation to my laser tag/pizza partaay at Q-Zar that will only happen if I win. And my dad says that there is a pretty fucking good chance that Jason Mraz is going to show up for a slice of ’za. A word of advice to my opponent, when I win and I have my Q-Zar partaay with Mr. A-Z, you might not want come wearing those semen soaked LARPing pants because they got mad black lights in there, faggot. Boom. Vote for me. Nadelberg out!