Tag Archives: animals

Julius’s Rebuttal for SGA Vice President

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Good afternoon students and faculty of Hummingbird High. As most of you already know from my time on the lacrosse field, my name is Julius Nadelberg and I will be running for SGA Vice President of the Sophomore Class. I’d like to say a few words about why I think you should elect me in the upcoming election.

But before I get started, I’d like to address a few of the unmitigated rumors that have been wafting through the halls. Specifically, those started by my opponent Perry Stiffschrode. I would like to make clear that I, Julius Nadelberg, have not been “caught” “multiple times” by my “parents” looking at “animal porn,” to use my opponent’s words.  There is absolutely no basis for this accusation. Firstly, what do you mean by “caught”? Do you mean that my parents set up a trap with animal porn dangling over a large pit covered with palm leaves and as I approached, I fell deep into a crevasse? Because I can assure you that never happened. Secondly, what do you mean by “multiple times”? More than 3? More than 6? 15? I mean, you’re going to have to be more specific here, Perry. I know the students and faculty of double H are a pretty saavy bunch, so we are going to need you to tighten up your semantics. And lastly, what do you mean by animal porn? Human-on-animal? Animal-on-animal? Mammal-on-reptile? Seriously, let’s be honest with ourselves, is there anything really wrong with watching two Galapagos Tortoises have sex? No. It’s for science. Or like, one big lion dick tearing that lady lion’s ass up out there on the savanna with the African sun beating down? No. Science. What about like two gorillas out there in the rainforest pounding it out, bellowing with low primal grunts? No. What if one of those gorillas is really a guy in a gorilla suit and the rainforest is really just plastic plants that you set up to recreate his environment? Still, no. It’s just science, people! What’s the difference? I don’t see what the big deal is.

All I’m saying is get your facts straight, Perry.  To be honest, I saw your attack coming from a mile away. We all did. Real sloppy picnicin’ and politicin’ there, pal. Me? I’m gonna take the high road. Sure I could sit up here on my soapbox and remind everyone of the now infamous Boner Soup-Gate, where my esteemed opponent was caught red-handed in the cafeteria kitchen with his little mini funsize Snicker’s dick in the clam chowder while Donna, the mole bespeckled lunch-lady, spanked his bare ass with a spatula. But that’s not my style.  I mean if I felt so inclined, I could go on and on for days about how Perry Stiffschrode has never seen The Notebook or any film adaptation of a Nick Sparks novel for that matter. I know! But once again, that’s not the game I want to play. I want to play it straight. Like the opposite of what Perry’s real dad turned out to be. I mean, everyone in town knew that Mr. Stiffschrode loved to wear Hello Kitty underoos, but nobody guessed that he was out there every night (and some mornings) passing out mouthfucks to any walking pecker with a smile and sideburns. So, I’m not going to take cheap shots. Not my modus operandi. I’m just going to tell you the things that I can do as your Vice President.

Nothing. I will not change a thing. Students have come up to me these last few weeks and the feeling I’ve got is that they are all pretty content with things the way they are. Why go fucking with shit when the shit ain’t need fuckin’ with? Nawmean? I don’t go into your job and tell you that you need to change up your ways and not get so binged out on heroin before it’s your turn to dance on the main stage, do I? Fuck nah. Change is scary is all I’m saying. Who needs it?

Okay, but some of you may be asking yourselves “Hey Julius, why should we elect you?” Valid question, valid question. To find the answer to that question, I want you all to look under your seats right now, where you will find three Oprah style give-aways. First is a copy of new Jason Mraz CD that isn’t coming out until May.  My dad is Jason’s manager you know. Second is a coupon for 20% off any Aeropostale spring break must-haves. Graphic tees, board shorts, capris, all the hottest gear. And last but not least, an invitation to my laser tag/pizza partaay at Q-Zar that will only happen if I win. And my dad says that there is a pretty fucking good chance that Jason Mraz is going to show up for a slice of  ’za. A word of advice to my opponent, when I win and I have my Q-Zar partaay with Mr. A-Z, you might not want come wearing those semen soaked LARPing pants because they got mad black lights in there, faggot. Boom. Vote for me. Nadelberg out!

Tips for Keeping the Passion in Your Relationship: Camping!

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Has your love life lost that special something? That spice? That spark? That ole familiar feeling? We’ve all been there, sister. Tuh-ruuust me. I’m still there. All relationships go through those phases but there are ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive and kickin’ (and hopefully humpin’…look atcha, sittin’ over there witcho sexy azz).

Here’s a tip: Go Camping! Camping can be a great way to get some special alone time between you and your lover. Just you, her, and Mother Nature. And unlike your real mother, Mother Nature doesn’t smoke cigarettes all day with her boyfriend, Jerry, whose only words to you in the last 5 years were “when are you moving out of my new house?” There’s nothing like a rendezvous with the great outdoors to reignite the fires and roast the mallows of your pathetic, flaccid, discolored love life – if you know how. There is so much to do camping, you guys. Seriously. So much. Like a jillion things. AT LEAST. So here’s some suggestions from yours truly on how to make the most of you and the one who is trulys yours’ camping trip.

First of all, women love a hardy woodsman. That Paul Bunyan still melts panties to the floor to this day. You need to prove to your lover that you can provide for her, so it is very important that you do not bring any supplies on your trip.  Any man with a pair of dickbullets can go to a Sam’s Club (well, I mean, only if you have a Sam’s Club Card, but what fucktard doesn’t have a Sam’s Card by now? They got amazing shit in there), and buy a tent, a sweeping bag, a grill, some Maxi Pads, and a Bon Jovi poster. So, again, no supplies. Nature will provide you with everything you need. The two best ways to prove you strength and craftiness is 1) starting a cozy fire and 2) killing a rabbit and rubbing its blood all over your face. Once she sees how manly and resourceful you are she is certain to open the imperial gates to the Clam Palace. STAT. You’ll have that C-chowder dripping from your beard quicker than you can say “Jackie Robinson Erection.”

Okay, so maybe you don’t feel comfortable killing a rabbit, or maybe you’re a pussy baby who can’t start a fire. Still, there are ways to use the wildlife for romantic purposes without killing all the animals. For instance, while your lover is busy searching for kindling, try to find a snake hole. You will know a snake hole because it is usually surrounded by skeletons of dead animals. Once you find it, pop your chode in the hole and wait for the snake to take the bait. You may have to wiggle it around a little. Don’t be afraid to be almost TOO aggresive. Once it strikes, hurry back to your lover and explain that she needs to deepthroat all the way to the roots of your chode-tree in order to get all the venom out. It’s as easy as that. And if you don’t feel comfortable killing the rabbit or having a snake bite your Shlong-adan Milosevic, then you are the biggest pussy in the whole world and probably shouldn’t be camping or even attempting to get someone to fuck you. And you know what?! Sharon’s too good for you, anyway. It’s obvious that you don’t give a SHIT about her.  She’s the greatest girl in the world, and she deserves someone who will treat her with love and unparalled respect. Letting Sharon go was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life and I know that now. And If I could jump in a time machine and win her back, goddamn it I would. You know what? You’re not even worth it , dude. Why don’t you just go jump in a lake. Dickhead. 

Anyways, once the sun goes down is when camping really heats up! Make sure you bring your acoustic so you can woo her with some heady jamz around the fire, bro. You don’t play? Don’t worry about it. All you really need to learn is ”All For You” by Sister Hazel and you’ll be getting such a big helping of that roast beef deluxe that you’ll be begging her for more Horsey sauce.

Once you’re done, it’s time for a little f-u-n to liven things up. Two words: Slug Wars. It’s when you climb in your sleeping bags head first, zip up, and battle like a couple of slimy slugs! So romantic. Slug Wars makes for great foreplay. In fact, the first three lil’ baby fetuses I ever made with my tadpole spermz (all aborted) were the result of Slug Wars. It’s a regular AFROdisiac. I spelled it like that, with the caps and all, to emphasize how well it works on the sisters. Black girls, that is.

And when you get tired of that, climb on in the tent for some shut eye. Wait….Hold on….Whats that rustling of leaves outside the tent? Is it a bear? Oh my god, there’s a fucking bear outside! You could possibly only have a few more minutes to live before that bear tears you limb from limb like Eminem did to Nick Cannon. What better time for some intense fear-sex? Fear-sex is the most passionate kind of sex because you have nothing to lose. And more times than not that rustling noise is just an armadillo or a gust of wind, although sometimes it’s a bear. In which case, he’ll kill you and eat your torso. But these are the risks we take for passion.

If you follow these simple tips, I can guarantee that you will not only having a camping trip to remember for years to come, but it will reupholster the proverbial futon that is your relationship. Go ahead and quote me on that. All that we ask in return for this information is that, you make a video, add some bitchin’ special effects, and send us a copy. Not to do anything gross to or anything. Ew, no way. We just like to see all the happy couples that we’ve helped. We do this for you. Now, you do IT for us.