The economy is fucked up, you guys. Seriously. Shit is crazy. Ain’t nobody got jobs. Gas is 63 bucks a gallon. Three consecutive weekends, tickets to Biebs 3D has been sold out when Sharon and I got to the theatre. You know things are bad when Randy leaves American Idol. What the fuck else does he have to do? Play bass?* That’s not even a real fucking instrument jackhole, it’s just a guitar that’s missing two strings. I mean, honestly. Dubs t fuck is going on around here? Last time I checked, this was America. Land of the free, home of the blind. Helen Keller? Ever heard of her? So what happened? Folks wanna blame Wall Street, they wanna blame the government (or as I like to call them, ” dot gov”). People wanna say that it’s the Chinese, the Jews, W the President, the Baldwin’s, whoever. Everybody is blaming everybody, like a turd just floated to the surface in the h-tub, and no one is looking at the facts or trying to fix the problem. No one but your neighborhood friendly bloggers here at LouBegaCalled. That’s right dipsticks, we done solved the economy. Peep this.
Wasn’t it just 10 some odd years ago that America was on top making that sweet, sweet cheddar cheese skrilla, not a care in the goddamn world? Footloose and fancy-free? What had happened? What has changed? What could’ve happened in ten years that could have caused the economy to collapse? I’ll tell ya. I’ll tell you right now. 4 words. BIG. MOUTH. BILLY. BASS. Boom. Take a minute and wrap your mindtits around that, and let a brother explain.
Think back. What was the one thing everyone had in their homes back in the late 90′s/early 2000′s? Whose living room wasn’t complete with the joy of song coming from an electrical singing trophy fish that hung on the wall? That’s all I’m saying. You bring back the BMBB, and you bring back this country. I know what some of you are thinking. That the Billy Bass was serving a purpose back in those days, creating a sort of redneck backwoods-rape feng shui, distracting us from the horrors of terrorism and the aftermath of 9/11. What possible use could one get out of a BMBB in today’s ever-changing technological metropolitan world? How bout you shut the fuck up for two seconds and I’ll tell you? For instance, I use my Big Mouth Billy Bass as a sybian while the hubby is away, riding it to full orgasm, as it’s tail fin slaps my juicer, all the while bellowing Take Me To The River. And that’s just one example! We start getting these back into folks’ homes, we start to see real economic change in this beloved country, our United States. Urrybody gon’ be making money hand over fist, just the way I like my handjobs.
If there is anything we can learn from Billy it’s this: Don’t worry be happy. It’s like Alan Greenspan says, money = happiness. That’s why they call these things depressions. We need to not be afraid to spend that shit! That’s the only way to both be happy and get this economy bumpin’. And I know some of you are thinking, “Hey Lou Bega, money can’t buy you happiness.” Who the fuck told you that? Your poor parents? Yeah, thought so. Rich families are too busy taking the yacht to Barbados for the weekend to instill that value in their children. Pretty sure it can buy you happiness. Case and point: go buy 4 BMBB, hang them on the wall in the basement, smoke some DMT, press the little red buttons, and enjoy.
* For those of you that haven’t read the March 2007 issue of Bass Player, former American Idol judge Randy Jackson is a well known session bassist playing with such artists as Journey, Urethra Franklin, Tracy Chapman, Mariah Carey, Bon Jovi, Herbie Hancock, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Roger Waters, and George Michael. He was not in the Jackson 5.