We all know there’s tons of crazy rumors about Marilyn Manson floating around out there. I get it, he’s different and we hate things that are different, so we make up lies about them to distract ourselves from our own inner desires to tuck our ding-dongs between our legs and pour animal blood all over ourselves. I did this same sort of thing in middle school by calling the effeminate kids “gaybunnies.” I realize now that I was just acting out because I secretly wanted to get knee deep in Sean Hunter aka Ryder Strong of Boy Meets World. Since then, I’ve made my peace with the former classmates I once tormented (by giving them head in the bathroom at our class reunion last year). I think it’s time we gave Marilyn enough respect to do the same for him. Time to bust some myths, motherfuckers.
Rumor 1: Marilyn Manson had some of his ribs removed so that he can suck his own dick. False. I mean, think about it, guy, he is a big famous rock star. He probably makes so much sex with pasty goth girls wanting to bear the antichrist, that he can’t afford to waste any sperm on himself. That’s sacred sauce. Seriously, this one doesn’t even make sense.
Rumor 2: Marilyn Manson was Paul from the Wonder Years. What are you fucking retarded? Of course he is. Didn’t you ever see the episode where Kevin catches Paul slow-jerking over a dead bird in his tree house? That’s a classic.
Rumor 3: Marilyn Manson is a Reverend in the Church of Satan. False. I know this first hand. He is in my bible study class on
Wednesday nights. Sometimes we we will get coffee afterward and discuss scripture. Allelu! Allelu! He’s a lot more thoughtful than people give him credit for. We were talking the other day and he made a pretty good point about the story of Noah and his Arc and how it probably wasn’t a literal thing that happened, but a metaphor for the first petting zoo. I’ll tell him you said hi.
Rumor 4: Marilyn Manson killed Tupac. Probably true. I don’t know. There is evidence to suggest this but there is also recent evidence supplied by The Committee to Keep America Christian that it was in fact President Obama who pulled the trigger on the late rap martyr.
Rumor 5: Marilyn Manson killed his parents and fed them to some big gorilla at a zoo or something. False. Gorillas don’t eat meat. They eat bamboo. Everybody knows that. Unless they are those grey ones with the fucked up teeth from Congo, then you gotta blast they ass with a diamond-laser, Laura Linney style.
Rumor 6: Marilyn Manson got his dick tattooed black. True. However this isn’t actually as weird as it seems. 1/3 of all white American men between the ages of 16-30 have their dicks tattooed black. For obvious reasons. It’s sort of like a secret underground club of Michael Jordan fans.
Rumor 7: Marilyn Manson has an L.L. Bean backpack. True. So what? They make really quality stuff. What, a guy like him can’t appreciate a sturdy, American made backpack to carry around his skulls in? Fuck you. Don’t pigeonhole L.L. Bean products. Plus, they make it super easy to order. I’ll bring over a catalogue this Sunday after I take my dog to be put down. I need some new undies anyway.