Carl Winslow (born Aug. 16, 1948) is the first African America police officer on the Chicago police force, proud husband, and father of three. When he’s not keeping the streets of Chicago safe, he enjoys time at home with his family, and a few times per week/episode, the autistic kid from down the street who wears suspenders and collects Winslow’s daughter’s dirty underwear.
His fellow law enforcement agents know him as the “Big Kahuna” because he’s got that a no-messing-around, let’s-get-down-to-business kind of attitude. And because he is fat. He began his career as a police sergeant in Chicago during a time where Chicagoans or Chicagoites or Deep Dish Douchebags, as they call them down south, were afraid to give black people guns. They were always saying stuff like “Black people can’t have guns because they’ll shoot their eyes out.” Well guess what Windy City fuckers, that’s a hurtful and inaccurate stereotype. Despite facing racial discrimination at every turn, Winslow’s hard work, dedication, rotundness and good old fashioned spunk lead to his promotion to lieutenant, and eventually captain. Captain Carl Winslow. That’s got a motherfucking ring to it. Winslow earned his firearm the only way he knew how: shooting people in the knee caps, shooting down chandeliers so that they fall on crooks, thereby immobilizing them, firing at bad guys’ cars as they drive away and hitting the gas tank, whereby making them explode (Side Note: shit looks dope in HD), and finally, setting the record for consecutive hours spent spinning his Beretta on his the left index finger before holstering it quickly. Unfortunately his career in the field came to a tragic, premature end when Winslow shot himself in the eye. Now he travels around to Chicago middle schools with D.A.R.E. All the kids make racist jokes about what he’s hiding under that eye patch. They’re always like “I bet Officer Winslow shot his eye out cuz he’s black and that’s what black people stereotypically do when they shoot guns.” Racist sons of bitches. Still, Winslow marches on, spreading the good word to all the little chilluns in the community. Except Steve Urkel. Fuck that guy. Amen.
