I swear to God up in heaven above, people are always asking me, “Hey mister, if you were to be a mystical beast, which mystical beast would you be?”
Often times people are surprised and confused by how specific my answer is. So I drew a detailed diagram to explain my answer and dispel any lingering confusion. If I were a mystical beast, I would be a Human-Centaur (as seen below). The Human-Centaur is 50% human (head & chest), 50% horse (body), and then another 50% human (legs & feet). Now, I’m not a mathemagician but I believe that balances out to somewhere around 75% human and 45% horse.
The Human-Centaur is strong and noble and really really really rare. He has wavy blonde hair that he wears in a stylish yet masculine ponytail. He’s got a square jaw line just like Jon Hamm and bushy eyebrows like Eugene Levy (both total sexpots). Plus he’s got some ripped-ass pecs cuz he does upperbody workouts pretty much everyday. He’s got a membership at Gold’s Gym and I see him up there all the time TORCHING his delts, obliques, lats, bi’s, and tri’s. No fooling. If he’s got em, he’s TORCHING that shit thoroughly. I work the front desk at Gold’s, so I’ve seen my fair share of delt torching, but never like this. I’m talking FUCKING SCALDING.
Not to mention his stout-ass horse body. Like Seabisquick. Imagine him cantering around the forest, highstepping like a regal duke, letting sexy ass nymphs ride him barebacked, total raw dog style, laughing wildly, tossing their heads back in ecstasy with nothing to hold on to but his swoll rock hard pecs and ponytail.
Also,the only movie he owns is Mystic Pizza on VHS (as seen above) and is a huuuuuuge Julia Roberts fan. Like seriously obsessed with Julia. Every time I see him at Gold’s (torching) he drops at least one quote from Erin Brockovich. Last week, I thought I was gonna have to call an ambulance, but he was just acting out the scene where Julia collapses in Steel Magnolias. “DRINK THE JUICE, SHELBY” Seriously. Loves. Jules.
Plus Human-Centaurs have the best mating ritual of pretty much all mystical beasts. To get things warmed up, they do what is known as the “Human-Centaur-Pede” which is basically like a line of 100 or 200 Human-Centaurs in the woods just eating out each other’s horse butt-pussies. They do this for about 8 hours, then they drink lo-carb meade and honey out of the ceremonial chalice to get the taste out of their mouth.