Tag Archives: Goosebumps

R.L. Stein Book Review

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We can sum up R.L.’s new magnum opus “Halloween Hell-Fire: Smokin’ In The Boys Room” in one word: GOOSEBUMPS.

Serious. Got some real ass goosebumps on this one. Fa really doe. Lookin’ like geese up in here with hundreds of bumps covering every square inch of our torched bods. Laying eggs and shit. Eating little pieces of bread. Chasing kids. Trying to peck their eyeballs. Our bumps, our bumps, our loosey goosey bumps. Like that Black Eyed Peas song? But we changed the words a little bit? Weird Al style. He should totally use that for one of his epic polka parodies. With his accordion. We saw Weird Al in a Ruby Tuesdays once, munching out on some bacon ched sliders. Shit looked di-vine. He’s not as weird in real life as he pretends to be on the TV. The bizarre tale in R.L.’s latest Goosebumps was way weirder than Al. Believe that.

Stein’s literary masterpiece is a modernist quest to define the self. There ain’t been chops like this from the Stein family since the days of R.L.’s lesbian grandmammy, Gertrude. R.L. explores the human condition like only R.L. can. Shit had me going through the works. The water works. I cried. I screamed. I shivered. I hooted. I hollered. My hair stood on end. I hid my head under my blanket. I nearly jumped clean out of my skin. The only thing I couldn’t do was PUT IT DOWN. LOL. CuZ IT WUz sO GoOoD!!! Talk about a page turner.

The protagonist, Xander Magoo, is everyman. Your average Average Joe. His parents’ working class background makes him the symbol of the proletariat’s hopeless quest to transcend social stratification. Stein uses Xander’s hamster, hopelessly running on it’s wheel, to represent the capitalist charade. Deep Mon.

This Marxist masterpiece follows Magoo as he is flung into the world of bone chilling fright along with his best friend and fountainhead of comic relief Blaine “Earwig” Jewstein. Their adventure begins when they find out that their Chemistry Teacher, Mr. Gorbachev, has been catnapping the neighborhoods’ felines. And by catnapping, I don’t mean taking a quick snooze on the couch after inhaling a can of tuna. I’m talking about kitty abductions! Pussy snatching!

So Xander and Earwig plot out a wicked scheme to catch Mr. Gorbachev red fucking handed on none other than ALL HOLLOWS EVE. WoOoOo! SPoOoOoKY.  So they sneak into Mr. Gorbachev’s house and set up a camera crew so that they can bust him To Catch a Predator style. Dateline NBC Y’all. Chris Hansen eat your heart out.

Long story short, one thing leads to another and they end up in a high speed chase on
their Huffy bikes. Then there’s like…a swamp….And….there’s this whole thing about Mr. Gorbachev keeping his teaching position because of tenure…maybe there was something about a golden amulet? I’ll be honest, I might have just skimmed the last couple chapters. But it really was good! I swear, like the first 30 pages were fucking fire ass fire. It just got late and I had one of those weeks.

Like for instance on Wednesday, I went to Belk’s to get some of these fucking Ralph Lauren ties like James Franco wears and they CANCELLED my Belk’s Rewards Plus Credit Card. What kind of jergoffs do they got running this place? How the heck do these royal jergoffs expect me to buy any Ralph Lauren ties if they cut me off? Like, Ralph is a personal friend of mine and with one fucking phone call I could BURY YOU, Belk’s. Like, he invited me to his nephew’s baptism in Milan and if I gave him the word, he would pull his entire line from your stores so fast that your jergoff heads would twist clean off your little chode bodies.  Don’t think I won’t, Belk’s. I’m not the kind of guy you want to fuck with. All I want is my fucking Belk’s Rewards Plus Credit Card with the 10% discount so I can buy some fucking Ralph Lauren ties so I can look like James Franco. HE IS HANDSOME.

Did you see Pineapple Express? So Funny. Talk about range. Just when you think you’ve got James Franco’s figured out, he comes out of left field with a doozie like this. God damn it, he’s good. Rise of the Planet of the Apes? He was like a super smart monkey scientist that taught them how to read books. Nailed it. Spider-Man 3? He’s was an evil goblin and ripped Toby McGuire’s dick off. Pure gold. He’s like a shape shifter or something the way he goes from role to role. Like a shape shifting mighty morphing changeling chamillionaire or something. God bless.

The Answers to the Drivers Test

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So, my cousin Jerry No Pubes works in the DMV. I says “Hey Jerry, Weez could make a bushel full of granny smiths (money) if we sold some of the secret answers you got holed up over there at the DMV.” Jerry No Pubes takes a second to think and he says “Ok Johnny Fanny Gina Head, but what’s in it for me?” So I convinced my sister Terry Brown Husband to give him a dry handie in the bed of his Tacoma behind the Hobbytown U.S.A and got the secret answers. So without further ado…

1. b) 30 ft

2. c) Half an hour before sunset and half an hour after sunrise

3 . a) Wait until the way ahead is clear and then pass

4. d) All of the above

5. b) Stop and yield right-of-way to the pedestrian

6. c) Cutting lines of blow on the dashboard while Fitzy puts the body in the trunk

7. a) Fallopian tubes

8. c) 3.4 inches, soft

9. c) No more than 3 fingers unless specifically requested otherwise

10. b) Wipe clean any fingerprints and hide the gun under some trash in the dumpster around the corner then go hide out at Aunt Francine’s for a week or two. Once everything cools down a little bit go get a haircut (one that makes you look like less of a cunt) and grow a beard. Not like a big mountain man beard though. That’s a dead giveaway. I’m talking something well trimmed . For instance, like Al Borland of Tool Time fame. You know, something respectable like that. You could even get a plaid button down, if you wanted.

11. d) Either September 11th or swing dance classes

12. a) Smoking reefer doobies in your parents basement and attempting to write the screenplay for a sequel to Boyz N The Hood

13. d) R.L. Stein

14. d) Wiper fluid

15. b) Case the place for a week, pretend like you’re there to make a withdrawal, then smash in the bank manager’s nose with the butt of your pistol. Shouldn’t have problems after they see that you’re not fucking around

16. c) Don’t make eye contact and deny, deny, deny

17. b) While some claim that it’s a myth, it is actually located in about an inch and then up

18. d)Green means go, yellow means slow, and red means it’s probably infected

19. e) MC Hammer or Rick James

20. a) Your grandmother is dead, buy flowers

We at Lou Bega Called suggest that you intentionally miss 2 or 3 answers so that no one starts acting funny. If this gets back to us, then we will be none too pleased. We might have to chop your vagina off and sell it to someone who will actually use it.  You are still going to have to take the driving portion. Please send your Granny Smiths to Louis F. Bega, 5467 Jerk Circle, Dumpstains, VA 66633. You’re Welcome.

Coming next week: The Answers to the SATs