It’s so big and I’m all like “are you made out of rock or something? C’mon dog you’re probably heavy as shit. You’re making all the other planets look bad with you’re obesity. Like, you’re supposed to be REPRESENTING our solar system out there. And I don’t want to stir up shit or whatever – buuuuuuut I heard those buttfucking queef huffers from Alpha Centauri saying this-n-that bout your chunky buns. And I don’t know about you, Jupiter, but I’m not gonna sit around and let those bumpkin-ass, binary-star-system-having, Alpha Centaurian dick-legged bungholes talk about our solar system like that. Tighten it up, bro. You ever heard of Michelle Obama? You gotta eat your greens, guy. Do a lunge or two. Republican or Democrat, I think everybody can agree you husky. Just tighten it up.”
And what’s going on with that red big spot? I was thinking it might be malignant but Doc Lipshwitz said it was a storm or something and I’m all like “damn Jupiter, how long is that storm gonna last? Get your shit together. Nobody is going to want to live on you if you got a big red storm brewin’ all the live long day.
I’ll tell you what you need to do: Go see your doctor and get you some Valtrex. Once daily Valtrex will clear that unsightly red sore up in a week or so. Tell your doctor if your immune system isn’t normal because of bone marrow or kidney transplant. It’s about suppression, Jupiter.”
You know what, you look like that planet off of Star Wars and I’m like ”Show a little originality. Have you seen Saturn? With the rings and shit? So cool. Everybody in the Solar System thinks so. We’re all like ”Damn son, nice rings. Looks like you’re hula hooping or some tight shit like that.”
Why don’t you do something like that? Get yourself a gimmick, Ju-ju. Mars has that face, Earth has monkeys and turtles, Neptune has a badass trident, Pluto is all like ”Fuck y’all. I don’t even want to be a planet anymore. I’m outtie-5,000″, and Uranus has a great sense of humor. What do you got? Besides a giant Herpes cold-storm flaring up. You got jack shit. Get a gimmick, kid.
Maybe you could grow your sideburns out like an old timey guy. Go 18th Century all over everybody’s asses. How do you think D.D. Lewis keeps winning so many Grammy’s? He goes 18th Century on everybody’s ass on the reg. I heard for his role of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer he was growing out the hair on his inner thighs so it’s like sideburns for his dick. Abe Lincoln dick-sideburns freeing slaves and taking names. Emancipating his dick from not havin’ kickass ‘burns. You know he is gonna win all the Grammy’s for that shit.”
And what’s up with all those moons? Seriously. I’m all like “You gay? All them moons make you look gay or something. And there’s nothing wrong with that. My friend Scooter is gay as all get out but we are buds to the max. Best buds. To the max. You know how gay guys know all about how girls like to be kissed and fingered and stuff? Well, me and Scooter are such best buds to the max that he lets me practice all my moves on him and he provides productive criticism thus revealing the secrets of the sacred feminine. Like he even taught me how to do it “Siskel and Ebert Style”- two thumbs up. He said that makes chicks go primal and I believe him. Cuz he’s gay.
All I’m saying, Big Jup, is be real. We’re not here to be Judge Judy, casting stones all which-a-way. It ain’t gonna go down like that. Just fess up. We know you’re gay. Everybody knows. If you want to take that herpes infested red dick of yours and shove it inside Mercury until you blow a gaseous wad inside his shit-pipe, then be my guest. But I don’t appreciate you lying to us about it. What you don’t think you can trust us? Dang Jup, that’s cold as my Nana’s vulva. She’s dead now but even during life she had poor circulation so you that swedish-made vulva was chillatenous. And after all we been through, what with my Nana just dying and all, now you’re telling me you don’t even trust me? Well you know what Jup, YOU’RE NOT EVEN WORTH IT.
Don’t choke on your own dick.
P. Dick ‘n’ Sons
I’m going to make the best scariest haunted house this Halloween holiday season. Man, it’s going to be something else. Little kids, all my little neighbor guys, real cool guys, real legit kinda guys, the ones I sell weed to every now and again, they’re going to get so scared out of their wigs and everything. It’s going to permanently scar their little tiny psyches with fear. Like when they grow up and turn into regular people, they are going to tell their little grandbabies and step-grandbabies “oh yeah, see when I was your age this guy named Dustin used to throw the best scariest haunted houses in his house. Like you would walk in and he was there dressed like an old butler and he would say “Goooooooodevening! Welcome to Dickenson Manor. We’ve been DYING for you to arrive. Right this way, IF YOU DARE!” and there were fucking cobwebs out the ying-yang. All over the place. CobFest 2012 feat. Matisyahu and Pearl Jam. And then he would lead us into the living room and we would watch a little bit of the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award. The one hosted by Jack Black. Where they slimed the fuck out of Jim Carrey and Big Willie Smith.
What we need in a Republican candidate in the 2012 election is a true social and fiscal conservative. Someone with salt and pepper hair and expressive hand motions. Someone who can really fill out a suit with a red tie. Someone with a wife that they never have sex with and a square jaw line. Someone that understands the needs of Americans and is egocentric enough to assume responsibility of providing those needs. Someone that has been finely groomed by their well-established father since childhood, that has been strictly denied a social life or any meaningful relationships in order to cultivate the shallow and calculated bonds required for a political career. Someone who is so sexually repressed that orgasms can only be achieved if their partner is wearing a mask of said authoritarian father.
Well by golly, if the right candidate won’t step up to the plate, I, Pudding Arthur Dickenson will be proud to accept the Republican nomination for President of the United States of These Here Americas.
I’m a true conservative. Not like those other vagina balls. I’m so conservative it’s scary. I basically don’t want the government to do anything except keep gays away from the altar and the military and keep Muslims out of airports. That’s it. Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom.
I believe in a right to privacy. If I want to perform an abortion on my 15 year old whore daughter in the privacy of my own home, then god damn it that’s what I’m gonna do. Because the Constitution granted me that privilege. Heck, if I want to save all of her little whore bastard babies in a jar I can do that to0. And maybe once I get enough, I’ll make like one of those beaded doorway decoration things except instead of beads it’ll have all her little aborted whore feti. And I’ll hang it in the doorway to her room so that everyone will be reminded of where the whore lives and how disappointed we all are in her. And that is my God given right of interior design. Nobody can strip that from us. Not Obama. Not Nancy Pelosi. Not the devil himself (Sean Penn). Because the fact is simple, my daughter is a huge whore and our founding fathers wanted us to have beaded baby doorway decorations. And I’ll be covered in shit and rolled in goose feathers if I’m gonna sit here and let you piss all over my forefathers.
I’m not going to beat around the bush. Not like some of these bologna heads. I like money and I like jobs and I don’t like mexicans taking those jobs and I don’t like other minority groups, who need not be named, sitting around all day smoking crack-cocaine cigarettes and using welfare money to buy new hubcaps for their hoopties. They’re over there getting a check from the government every month and blowing it on cases of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Well guess what fuckers, if I’m gonna pay for someone to sit around and drink a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, it’s gonna be me doing the drinking! Not some dickhead that can’t figure out how to work a belt.
And most of all, I hate cole slaw. I won’t eat it and I think that anyone who does eat it is a disgusting pile of cat dicks. Cabbage and mayonnaise? Really? You’re going to eat that? Shit’s fascist as fuck and I ain’t gonna play around with that. Uh-uh no sir. No way, no how. I’d rather swallow a handful of hair at a Puddle of Mudd concert. I’d rather eat a boogerwurst sandwich with a side of kettle cooked toenails. I don’t mess around with slaw and I’m not going to say it again. And it’s not just the taste. It’s so much more than that. It’s the texture. It’s the visual presentation. It’s everything slaw stands for. I oppose its entire belief system. And why the fuck is it called cole slaw and how does that even sound remotely appetizing? I’d rather eat something called a gorilla titty and jizz screamsicle than something called “cole slaw.” I mean…fuck.
Also, I’m pro guns. Guns belong in the house, right next to the Nestle Quik on the bottom shelf, so if need be anyone can reach for it in case of an attack from a black or a zipperhead. America was founded on guns. If it weren’t for guns, hippies like Kurt Cobain and Bigger Smalls would have run this country into the god damned sewer.
I said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m pro-money. I just love the stuff. If money was a woman, I would ask her to come over to my house to watch Notting Hill. We would stay up all night drinking milk and talking about how things had changed since college. We’d start seeing more of each other, date for a few months, then I’d pop the question while we were parasailing down in San Destin. I’d do it right, wait until we got married and then fuck her into a coma. Of course I’d visit her everyday in the hospital after she was comatose. Then, after a couple months I’ll tell the doctors to pull the plug because I know she wouldn’t have wanted to live like this. That’s how much I love money.
If you vote me for president of America I’m gonna get this fucking country back on track. We’re gonna have fucking big ol trucks driving down the street with loudspeakers on their roofs, blasting Toby Keith. Fucking Toby Keith. You Ain’t Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin’. How Do You Like Me Now? Getcha Some. Whiskey For My Men and Beer for My Motherfucking Horses. Everyday. Everybody will hear that Toby Keith truck coming from a mile away and they’ll go out on their porches and dance and wave flags and cook hotdogs. I’ll put a god damn slip-n-slide on the White House lawn and we’ll do a laser light show that you’ll be able to see in Timbuktu. Sarah Palin is going to be there in a bikini getting hammered, doing karaoke, and pouring pitchers of Guinness on her tits. I’m so super stoked cuz it’s gonna be the raddest.
And if you don’t wanna vote for me or come to my White House slip-n-slide partay, well then you can go fuck yourself. You bow-legged piece of shit. You bow-legged piece of shit with a skinny little dick. You bow-legged drippy-dicked codfish. You can stretch that skinny little pathetic excuse for a peckercock all the way around until it slides into your ripe little tushie cushion. You can just stay home and watch anime porn for all I care. Go ahead. Just sit around and watch Sailor Moon get sexed up by the tentacles of a space squid. I don’t even want guys like you to vote for me. Just being associated with the likes of you would make me look like a straight up biggidy-bitch.
Thank you and God bless America. And when I say “God” I am specifically referring to the white Christian god. The Jesus one with the ghost and the son and whatever.
See you at the polls!
Camp Gooseneck is as wonderful as I could have ever imagined! How silly I feel that I was so nervous before. You were right, this is turning out to be the best two weeks of my life so far!
My counselor’s name is Chadwick and he is a righteous cool dood. He has curly hair and wears plaid pants and plays Sister Hazel songs on his acoustic. He says he doesn’t like to wear shirts because they stifle his nips. He says his nipples need to breathe or else they get dry and when they get dry they get cracked and when they get cracked they get chapped. He says if he showed up for lifeguard duty with chapped nappies, it would beget a pussy drought dryer than the Dust Bowl of the Dirty Thirties. I don’t know what that means, but I believe it. And Mumsy I must admit, his nipple breathing techniques seem to be working. They are the healthiest in the whole wide camp. With the circumference of a Sacagawea golden dollar, they are truly a sight to be seen. They are THE wonder of Cabin Apache.
Some nights Chadwick lets us sneak out and play pranks on those cuntdicks in Cabin Sioux. “Everybody knows that the Sioux are a bunch of sackless dickheads, who wouldn’t know a piece of pussy from a pile of hamburger meat if it smacked them on the chodeshaft.” That’s what Chadwick says. I don’t know what it means, but I believe it. Anywho, one night we painted our faces all camouflage-like and snuck down to their cabin and pissed all over their clothes and in their shoes and duct-taped this one codpiece named Jacob to his bed and put a plastic bag over his face until his eyes rolled back in his head and his breathing stopped while Tommy whispered “Don’t you ever let me catch you even looking at Cynthia Mossberg again, you pot-marked tampon string!” It was CLASSIC!
I made all my bunkmates friendship bracelets in Arts’n’Crafts as a symbol of our being bros and all. We also made a blood oath that we would die for each other. We all pricked our fingers and rubbed our blood all together. Nothing brings a group of young men closer than rubbing their open sores together. Black Bobby wasn’t allowed to take part in the blood oath though, because Clarke said that if we caught any of Black Bobby’s sickle cells in our bloodstream, we would all turn black and we collectively decided that we’d prefer to be white. Nothing against black folks, you understand, it was just a personal decision. You know, you always hear that there is this hidden cost to being African-American. Whether it is the statistically lower pay or the higher rates of heart disease, HIV/AIDs, and diabetes or just the subtle everyday racism of the white hegemony. The only way to make it as a black in this country is to sell crack rock or have a wicked jump shot. I think I’d rather just stay white, thank you very much.
Last week, me and this girl named Sharon from Cabin Cherokee went on a canoe ride around the lake. It was a blast! We parked our canoe behind the big branch that hangs over the edge of the lake and she took off her bikini bottoms and showed me the little brown hairs she had sprouted on her hoo-hoo cooch that everyone in camp was talking about. She pulled out a baggie from her satchel and emptied it into a spoon. She dropped some lake water in and then used a match to heat up the bottom of the spoon. She sterilized her needle in the lake, after finding the biggest vein in my arm, and gave me a shot that she said “would make me forget about when Daddy would rub his zipper up and down my spine.” I didn’t know what that meant, but I believed it. We sat in that canoe for what seemed like hours, sipping from her canteen, listening to Break On Through by the Doors, and slobbering on ourselves. I don’t want to speak too soon, but Mumsy, I think Sharon might be the ONE.
There is a large creature that lives in the woods behind the ropes course. At night we hear his blood thirsty howls and the cries of children he has trapped in his forest cave. Camp lore says that he devours the souls of campers and drains out all their blood and innards into a large gourd. Then he takes their bones and grinds them into a fine powder. Once the blood gourd has been brought to a steady boil over an open fire, he mixes in the bone meal and a pinch of brown sugar. Let that simmer for about 15 to 20 minutes, just long enough for the flavors to really coalesce. Then let it cool for about 5 minutes to seal in the taste, and you are left with with what the counselors call Gooseneck Bloodmeal.
Chadwick says as long as they give the monster 3 campers from every camp session, his appetite is quelled long enough to prevent him from attacking the whole camp. It’s for the greater good he says. Campers should feel honored to be selected for the sacrifice. For the greater good. It is through the spilling of their virginal blood that the monster is satisfied and lets us play capture the flag and go canoeing and have talent shows. For the greater good. Baxter Culpepper, from Cabin Chickasaw, went missing several days ago. The other campers and I have begun to speculate that he has been selected. Probably all that is left of him by now is a pile of hair and teeth. For the greater good.
But that was days ago. The creature is hungry again.His howls have been louder the past several nights. It’s about time for a new selection to be made. Oh! Mumsy, you will never guess what just happened. As I am writing you this very letter, a group of counselors in dark hooded robes have burst into my cabin. They are currently binding my feet and hands. I will admit, it does make writing this letter a bit more difficult. Now they have put a burlap sack over my head. I apologize if my handwriting is suffering, it is difficult to see with the sack and all. Now they are dragging me by my feet through the woods and chanting ominously. I must give credit where credit is due, it is sort a catchy little number. Well, the creatures howls are now upon me, so I must be going. For the greater good!
Give Papa and little Susanne my love! Ta-ta!
P.S. could you send me some of those toffies I like so dearly?
Dear Parole Board,
When I get out of jail I’m going to turn my life around. Straighten up. Become an honest man. Be a father to my children. Work to support my family. Spread the good word of my Lord and Savior. No more wheelin’ and dealin’. And I ain’t slinging no more crank to mexicans, that’s for sure.
When I get out of jail I’m going to go by my ex-wife Charleen’s trailer and finish signing those divorce papers. I’ll be the bigger man. I’ll thank her for birthing my children, Dilbert-Lee, Neil Armstronger, and Candy-Sue and tell her I hope she is happy with the new life she has found with Daryl. Heck, I’ll even shake Daryl’s hand and tell him to take good care of her. We are cousins after all. It’s like they say, blood is thicker than water. That being said, if Daryl smarts off I won’t hesitate to give him the old one-two right in the kisser.
When I get out of jail I’m going to swing by the the ole lumber yard and apologize to the bossman. Tell him I was wrong to steal his car keys out of his office and trade crank to a homeless man to have him shit in the trunk. I was wrong. Probably shouldn’t have pissed in the glove compartment either. I’ll tell him I did that shit before I found Christ but now that I am officially a Christian and all, the lord hath forgiven me for all that bullshit. I’ll say “Teddy, I did you wrong but if the good Lord can forgive me, don’t you think you probably should too?” Can’t argue with that. Cold hard Logic. Then I’ll see if he will give me my job back.
Regrets? Sure. I got em. But regrets don’t change things and you can’t take back whatcha done in the past. Unless you’ve got a time machine. But we’re probably 40 or 50 years from them developing a time machine for use on the private market. And even then I’m sure they will have all sorts of rules and shit so that we won’t go back and start messing around with stuff and cause a rift in the space-time continuum resulting in alternate realities, you know. Like that time when old Biff got the almanac and gave it to 50′s Biff and 50′s Biff got lots of money and started porking Marty’s mom and bought her some good looking fake titties. And she was swimming around in that hot tub in Biff’s gold skyscraper and them fake titties were floating around all extra bouyant-like. Anyways, the point is, without a time machine all you can do is express sorrow, move forward, and try to do better. Try to BE better. Live your life in His image.
When I get out of jail, first thing I’m gonna do is get me a hot meal. Something nice. Something I hadn’t had in quite some time. Maybe Red Lobster. Maybe Quimbie’s. I can’t say. Maybe go down to Ma and Pa’s Burrrito Outlet and make me one with all the fixin’s like I used to when I was knee high to a grasshopper. That’d be something.
But until then, I’ma sit right here in this jail cell, keep praying for forgiveness and await the day that I can spread His Word and don’t have to worry ’bout Cecil spreading My legs and pounding my ass into next week and cumming in my hair.
Terry P. Dickenson, a servant to the one true God Almighty.
….that can describe the way I feel…
I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me…
Those are the only words I need.
And I just want you to know, Sharon, our love is like a savage garden- powerful, beautiful, mysterious.
To tell you the truth, I had a hard time explaining all the great things about my grandfather, Leonard Pudding Dickenson or as I called him “Pappers,” into writing. I mean, how do you sum up all of the achievements of someones life in one speech? I know I can’t do justice to his tremendous legacy, but I want to offer us a chance to remember just some of those things we loved about Pappers.
Pappers was a lot of things to all of us: a father, a grandfather, a husband, a World War II veteran, a gunowner, and a sperm donor. Pappers was all of these things and I know he touched our lives in a number of ways. My earliest memories of Pappers were of those summer afternoons when my mom and dad would drop me off at his house. I remember walking into his study where he was asleep in his old leather chair with the newspaper on his lap. I always thought he might dead- I would panic trying to decide what to do with the body- but he always woke up with a little jerk and would shout something about the Jews, before he realized he had only been dreaming. Pappers was a dreamer, that’s for sure. I remember his study always smelled like pipe tobacco- that was Pappers for ya. Those afternoons were filled with me sitting on his knee listening to his stories about how the Jews put cameras in urinals. Or how the Jews created diabetes. Or how Jewish men menstruate. Or how the Jews control all the abortion clinics and harvest the dead fetuses to eat so that they could stay young forever. He used to always tell me, “there’s Jew warlocks out there that have been alive since the Middle Ages, surviving off nothing but the marrow of the dead fetuses of teenage whores.” What I’m trying to get at is that he really, really hated Jewish people.
I remember playing all sorts of games those afternoons. Chess, model cars, puzzles, M.A.S.H., truth or dare, spin-the-bottle, Big-Nosed Heeb, you name it. He had such a lively imagination for an old timer. Pappers’ favorite game was always “puppet show.” That’s when we would take turns inserting our hands, up to the wrist, into each other’s buttholes and pretending that we were puppet and puppeteer. He always enjoyed it a little more than I did- must have been a generational thing. I’m sure all those videos of our puppet shows are around here somewhere.
One of my fondest memories of Pappers were those weekend fishing trips as a kid. Yeah, sometimes he drank a little too much. Yeah, sometimes he’d shit himself and pass out for 6 hours. But we always had a memorable time on the lake. I remember the look of excitement he would get when his cork went under. “Fish on!” he’d shout and reel it in like he was 18 again. He’d pull that fish into the boat and proceed to grab it by the tail with both hands and hold it against his crotch like he had a big fat floppy fish dick. Sometimes he’d slap you in the mouth with it and say “suck my fish dick, suck my fish dick.” Then he would jerk off his fish dick, grunting like only a man jerking off a fish dick could. At the peak of his fish-gasm, he would scream at the top of his lungs and throw the fish back into the water as if he cummed his fish dick clean off. Then he’d say “Boy, looks like I cummed my fish dick clean off!” and put another worm on his line. Yep, those were the days.
Although he never got the chance, I think in his own way he was able to show us how important we all were to him. We’ll always have those memories of Pappers- memories of pipe tobacco, his fist in my ass, and getting slapped in the face with his fish cock. He’ll always have a special place in all of our hearts. I know he’ll always be in mine. Let’s just be thankful that we got the opportunity to know someone as loving, compassionate, anti-semitic and special as Leonardo Pudding Dickenson. Or simply…Pappers.