Has the romance in your relationship flown south for the winter? Fizzled out like yesterday’s Fresca? Ya lost that lovin’ feelin’? You may have read our previous column on relationship advice: Camping. Well that’s not all, sister. We didn’t forget about you. We got more advice tested by our own first hand experience. We been there. We’ve been in so many relationships, it’s stupid. Ronny. Jeremy. Kyle. Sebastian. Some even lasting more than 2 months. We are here to help and don’t you ever fucking forget that. Here are a few more tips to keep the “umph” in “hump.”
1. Get drunk and have sex with each other. Easy as that.
2. Do something spontaneous! Just do it! Put on some dark clothes and hit the streets at night. Make sure you wear you’re running sneakers in case things get a little touch-and-go. Sneak around and chloroform some homeless people and drag them back to your apartment, then take turns doing science experiments on them. Make a project out of it! A passionate couple is a couple that knows how to have fun together: by turning 6 passed out hobos into a human centipede!
3. Go see a scary movie, like Paranormal Activity 2 or Billy Elliot. Chicks get scared real easily, because they gots gynies or whatever, and when girls get scared, the ole peepee-nest gets sloppy like a Double Dare contestant. Have her squirmin’ in her seat like a pussy baby who can’t hold his Big Gulp. Then, when the moment is just right, put your dick in the popcorn.
4. The Ol’ “Get ’Em While Their Sleeping” Technique. Think we all know this one pre-tty well. Perfected by Drunk Mike’s Tavern regular, Sausage Fingers, this technique is guaranteed to get things poppin’off in the sheets. Here’s a few tips: wait until you hear heavy breathing. Whisper your soon to be lover’s name to see if the respond. If they don’t, they are sound asleep and ready for bromance. And don’t be rude! Make sure you have some handiwipes or kleenex around to clean up after you’re done. Have some decency. You don’t want to go leaving a mess. It’s called manners. Were you born in a fucking barn?
5. Like my Mom taught me: If it ain’t workin’, throw some chili on it. Go to the nearest Piggie-Wiggie and grab you some tomato paste, 2lbs uncooked burger meat, some raw WHITE onions, some chili powder, some green bell peppers, and a 6pack of High Life Tallboys. Step 2: Make some bitchin’ ass chili. Step 3: Smother your partners genitalia in it. CAUTION: WAIT FOR CHILI TO COOL BEFORE APPLYING TO GENITALS! And there you have it, a midnight snack to rival any drunken trip across the border (Taco Bell).
These are just a few tips to help you get back that fire in your relationship. We know you stressed. We know you tired. We know she’s put on a little weight and won’t stop talking about Tevin from Printing. We know that his dick smells like yesterday’s cat food. We get it. Just remember, a healthy relationship is based on hot, stinky, sweaty, unprotected, sometimes forced sex. Now, these tips ain’t for everyone and they only work if you follow them to the letter. And some of you won’t. But for those that do, we here at Lou Bega Called can gurantee that your relationship can stand the test of time. Or at least til she gets old, and fat, and all wrinkly. Then it’s time to find you some young tail.