It’s Hump Day. It’s Bumpity-Bump Day. It’s Watch the Sun Glisten Off Your Cream Covered Lumps Day. Today is the day of all days to get your dick wet by any means necessary. Preferably by getting 2.5 inches deep in a butthole or a vagenis but if it comes down to it, you might just have to dip it in a glass of ice cold lemonade. Wet. By any means necessary. Spit doesn’t count though. Cuz like, c’mon bro. What is this 7th grade? What is this Church Camp? What is this stealing Sarah G.’s panties from the girl’s cabin and taking them back to your bunk in Cabin 3 to sniff and get your stroke spit stroke on? No. It’s not. Wake up. It’s motherfucking Hump Day.
Today’s the day you take pride in you’re chub chub-a-lub. Don’t be embarrassed if you get rock solid in class or at work or in the boy’s locker room. Stand tall, clench your buttcheeks, projecting your blood filled penis like a beacon of hope to the world. Let your dick scream from the mountain tops “Today is the day! Now who wants to take a ride on the Humpty Train until our genitalia falls off or dies trying?!?” If anyone takes you up on the offer, remember to IMMEDIATELY put your dismembered genitalia in a Ziploc bag filled with ice or a glass of milk (wet by any means necessary) and seek medical attention promptly. Doctors can do some amazing stuff these days. I once saw a man who had metal legs. METAL LEGS! Like where his legs used to be, they cut them off and then rebuilt them into metal. Like the Terminator and shit. Shit was doooope. Worst case scenario, you’ll end up with a Frankenstein dick. Best case scenario, while they are reattaching they can add an extra couple of inches in length and maybe a few centimeters in girth, if you’re lucky. Girth is such an understated attribute. You know, there was this whole anti-chode backlash in the 1990′s, where having a chode became this negative thing. But honestly I would rather have a good stout girthy chode than some long floppy noodle. Honestly. I’m not just saying that. Really, it’s all about control. Chodes have low centers of gravity, a really solid base, so you can get in there for those power thrusts like PEEEEOOOOOW! It’s hard to get that kind of leverage when you are working with some garden hose. It’s just unweildy. Plus with a long schlong garden hose, when you shoot a wad it has to travel all the way through and loses it’s momentum. It comes trickling out like sand. However a chode is like a little high-power cannon. Like a golden PP-7. It’s got enough pressure to strip the paint off a brick. We’re talking real propulsion here. I mean for realz, this is just me being totally straight with you. I would totally rather have a chode than a schlong any day of the week- but especially today, especially on Hump Day.
And it’s not all about dicks, ladies can celebrate hump day too. Let’s not forget those ladies, y’all. However instead of getting your dick wet by any means necessary, try getting your pussy wet by any means necessary instead. See how that works? It’s easier than you think. Have some awesome lesbian scissor action with your sorority sisters (Phi Mu!). Do the strap-on thing with the waitress at TGIFriday’s while your potato wedges cool down. Bounce on some guys stout stumpy chode until it strips the paint off them sugar walls. Heck- grind that bean on your sybian machine while watching a rerun of Gulluh Gulluh Island on Nick Jr., if you have to. If that big ol’ pollywog, Benya Benya, gets your juicebox squirting, more power to ya. It’s Hump Day. The world is your oyster. Now get out there and get wet, ladies and gents. Tell em Harold sent ya.