HeY gUrL hEy! HaVeN’t SeEn YoU iN FO-EVAAAA! MuSt HaVe A sKyPe SeSh AsAp. I can NOT w8 2 talk 2 U. I was thinking, my B-dAy is coming up, and it would be gr8 if we could do it then, because the only gift this little Hello Kitty asian school-girl could ever want would be to see your presh punnam (well, and a pair of new Steve Madden’s and for the gyno-saur to be a little more gentle with my delicates next time I go in for a pappysmudge.) Don’t worry about those last two though, I’ll just ask my g-mizzle for those. She may not make it to my next birthday, so I’m gonna make her load me up on presents this year. It’s not that she’s that old or sickly or anything. It’s just she just got mixed up with Mikhail and the Russians over some money down at the races. Dad says any day now they are going to bust in and cut off her hands and sell the rest of her old organs on the Russian African-American market and then feed her leftovers to the g33se at the park. That’s why those things are so mean, they’ve got a taste for human blood. Like Vampires, but less homoerotic. Girl, you know I’m Team Jacob.
Oh giiiirl, you are going to shit on your Dad’s dickhole when I tell you what Liz told me yesterday. So, ya know how Bobby was like soo in love with Allison and was basically on his hands and knees asking her to let him see that baby cavern? Well apparently, last weekend, at Sharon’s sweet sixteen, they hooked up. I KNOW! Like hooked up hooked up. And Allison says that his thing is tiny. Ugggh! Like it just rests there on top of his ballbag. Like a little acorn. But get this, after the fuck sesh, Allison let it spill that she has diabetes, so to get even, Bobby kidnapped her, fed her Godiva’s and denied her her insulin until she died! I KNOW! Like died died. HILARIOUS! That is so Bobby. On a sad note, the funeral is on Friday and I have absolutely nothing to wear. Ugh. Maybe I could Skype you in. I know Allison’s brother, Todd, would love to talk to you. LOLZ. JK, I know you don’t date black guys.
Annnnywayz, can’t wait to see your sexy face on my B’Day! Tell Shawn that he better be taking care of my girl over there or I’m gonna have to come beat him up. LMAO! Just kidding, he’s a man, he would totes kick my ass. Y’all be safe and have fun killin’ Iraqi’s! Mwah! Lovez!!!!!
Your BFFF,
Sharon
P.S. Your dad is fucking Stewart’s Mom and Stewart is super pissed. You’d think, by now, he’d have dealt with the fact that his Mom is the town trolley and has gotten stuffed more times than a catcher’s mit. Like, she is like a form of public transportation but she also resembles an article of baseball equipment, you know? I know, we are terrible! But seriously, fuck Stewart. After the shit he pulled with Teagan after prom last year, he deserves to listen to his mom get pounded by your Dad’s thick, black, dick-meat. Ya know? I mean, I don’t like Teagan or whatever, she is a fat piece of shit, but I don’t think anybody should have to go through what Stew put her through. Seriously. Mayonnaise is meant to go on sandwiches and nowhere else. Stew had that whole “grab-bag” mayo handjob fetish thing going on that he learned from his slut cunt-ex Emily. I heard that she has a labia like the large triangular side fins of a manta-ray.
