In honor of the release of the third installment in the opus that is MIB, or if you’ve been living in a fucking ditch for the last fifteen years and I have to spell it out for you: Men In Black, we at LBCHWHFB have decided to compile a list of our favorite Bill Smith vehicles from the past Willenium.
Actor, rapper, father, philanthropist, actor, whatever the man touches turns to gold. He’s like Midas, but with a way bigger dick and multi-platinum hit singles. Not to mention that perfect smile topped off with that unforgettable mustache. Not a lot a people know this, but Midas actually scored a Billboard top 100 in 1972 with an album entitled, Chodeshaft Overdrive. This groundbreaking album actually went double platinum but at the award ceremony, Midas turned it gold as soon as he touched it. What a total stupid idiot dickhead. We bring that up in order to contrast the achievements of the Frickity-Frickety-Fresh Prince, Big Willie himself.
He did so much in his short, short life to be proud of. The only complaint we have was that God took him too soon. But we know he is up there in heaven now, making fun of Carlton and neurolyzing folks. And so in memory of Will and MIB3, here are are our absolute favorite moments from our absolute favorite black man that there ever was.
1. His role as Jackie Chan playing Mr. Miagi in The Karate Kid 5: The Pursuit of Happiness. LOVE the scene when Daniel san and Miagi are in the bathtub together.
2. I Am Legend of Bagger Vance. Playing alongside white people, Matt Damon and Charlize Theron, Will plays a “magical negro” that plays golf and his dog gets eaten by scary zombies. Like, they are like half zombie, half vampire cuz they can’t go in the light but they are 100% scary. I bet when they were shooting, Charlize was shaking in her little booties cuz she was so scared. But I bet Will was like “Aigh, Aigh, Aigh, Aigh, Aigh, Aigh, Aigh, Aigh, You zombies better not come over here or I’m gonna shoot a golf ball at you.”
3. One word: Hitch.
4. Tea Cake Walters in Made in America. If you haven’t seen this Ted Danson/ Whoopi Goldberg driven film experience in all it’s glory, then sister, you haven’t lived. Ted Danson is a big time assmuncher car salesman. Whoopi is a African queen (as always) who owns a shop where they sell dashiki’s and other African shit. Nia Long is Whoopi’s daughter, who after being created in a lab somewhere goes out looking for her father, the sperm donater.
She finds out it’s Ted FUCKING Danson, and this is where the hi-jinx ensue. This movie has everything. Monkey humor, Bear attacks, Jennifer Tilly’s ass, and last but certainly not least, the man from Miami himself, Willie Smith.Will plays Nia’s friend named Tea Cake and they ride around town on a motorized scooter. Shit is the titty-sex fa realz. Netflix or Red Box the dick out of this film ASAP. But for the full effect, it really should be seen on one of your grandmother’s taped-off-TV VHS’s. If the VHS just happens to come with two films recorded on it, and the second is Little Big League, then that’s just the best bonus feature a guy could ask for. More like boner feature.
5. Donkey from the Shrek series. Boy got straight jiggy wit’ it, y’all. Na na na na na na na. Na na na na na na. He was acting so funny like a donkey and stuff. Talking about waffles and stuff. AND HE MARRIED A DRAGON! omg. Too funny, you guys. How do they think up this stuff? Seriously? How the fuck do they think up this stuff? They must be smoking so much acid over at Dream Works. They must be eating so many magic mushrooms and smoking so much heady nugz and listening to Dave Matthews, bro. Trippin’ their nards off. I bet they just turn off the lights or whatever and listen to “Ants Marching” on repeat for like 9 hours. Dave, man. Fucking Dave.
6. Ali. The greatest. The mother fucking greatest. A diamond in the rough. Big Willie plays Prince Ali, a fake prince who is trying to get all up inside Princess Jasmine’s tight little Juicy-Juice squirtbox. And she’s got on this sexy little blue number with her midriff exposed. You’d have to be Marvin Gay not to chub out every time she wiggles dat azz on screen. Except this piece of shit, Gilbert Gottfried, hypnotizes the Sultan and turns into a giant cobra and locks Jasmine in a giant hourglass. But he’s no match for Ali. He was all like “I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. You can’t beat the greatest because I am Prince Ali.”
We here at LouBegaCalled will always love you. Rest in Peace fresh, sweet prince.