10 Comedians (You Didn’t Know Were Female) Who Prove That Women ARE Funny

10 Comedians (You Didn’t Know Were Female) Who Prove That Women ARE Funny

This weekend, as the all-new female Ghostbusters hit the big screen, we’re sure to hear the critics go wild. Before anyone claims that the new G-Bustys have ruined their childhood or that this is a ploy to put Hillary in the White House – take a step back. It’s 2016, folks. Comedy ain’t the boys club it once was. Here’s a sampling of 10 Comedians that prove that women can bring the laughs too. It’s time to #LeanIn and #LaughOut – loud, that is!

10. Louis CK

Don’t let the bald head and goatee fool you; this funny fella is all woman. Just ask her two daughters who, along with being inspiration for much of CK’s act, also learned how to change their tampon from the notorious freckled cut-up. When she’s not writing, directing, producing, editing, and acting in her hit show Louise, she is your average stay at home mom with a solid B-cup.

9. Cedric The Entertainer

One of the Original QUEENS of Comedy, you may know this hysterical honey from her reoccurring role as Eve in the Barbershop films. Her energetic performances, as well as her tailor-made suits and hats, have made Ms. The Entertainer one of the premier female comedians in the world!

 

8. Lenny Bruce

Arrested on several occasions for obscenity, it wasn’t abnormal to walk into a club at the time and hear this dirty dame carrying on about his “juicy wet pussy” or “big fat stupid tits.”

 

7. Jerry Seinfeld

It’s true! It is rumored that, at the time, NBC wouldn’t greenlight a show with such an unethical female protagonist. “No one wants to see a women with teeth that big!” they told her. So Mrs. Seinfeld disguised herself as an uppity Long Island Jew-boy to make sure the show got off the ground. Plus they really didn’t want the sexual tension between Jerry and Newman to overshadow the show’s other plotlines.

6. Billy Crystal

What else can you say? She looks mah-velous! Fun fact: the ‘Analyze That’ star was originally supposed to play the female lead in ‘When Harry Met Sally’ but when producers said she was “too fuckin’ ugly” and that she “had the ass of a old Japanese man”, they recast the role with Meg Ryan and gave Crystal the part of Harry! That’s show business for ya!

5. Paula Poundstone

Although her trademarked suit, suspenders and tie were reminiscent of broadcast legend Larry King, it was the shoulder pads in her blazers that really gave away this funny girl’s secret. In 1989, the cat was officially let out of the bag when Poundstone won the American Comedy Award for Best FEMALE Stand-Up Comedian much to the surprise of the audience in attendance.

4. Martin Lawrence

Belee dat or not, Lawrence’s whole career has been an effort to repress his sexual orientation. From Sheneneh on his hit television show ‘Martin’ to his roles as Big Momma in ‘Big Momma’s House,’ ‘Big Momma’s House 2,’ and ‘Black Knight,’ this bad boy is actually a funny female! Now runtelldat!

3. Jay Leno

Vroom-vroom! Who says women can’t be into cars? The former ‘Tonight Show’ host may spend most of his time in the garage these days, but it’s HIS undercarriage that really holds something interesting! You’ll be happy to know that under that Canadian Tuxedo/Ontario Outfit that he seems to fancy, rests even more denim in the form of a bra and panties. And what’s under those? A front butt and a dumpy pair of bosoms with a 1/3 Boob-to-Nipple ratio (not too shabby, Mrs. Leno). How’s that for a Headline?!

2. Mitch Hedberg

Long hair. Check. Stylish sunglasses. Check. Tragically her life was cut short from a drug overdose (heroine, hint hint), but that doesn’t stop this countess of comedy from being one of the all-time greats. Now don’t feel bad if you were thrown off; her brand of incredibly witty one-liners was so clever and original that we ALL thought she had to be a man. That was until her autopsy revealed two sexy X chromosomes! Just like that, Mitch went from He-larious to She-larious.

1. Larry The Cable Guy

Git-HER-done! When she’s not peddling Prilosec or starring in Oscar-bait like the award-winning ‘Witless Protection,’ Larry The Cable Guy is actually Whitney St. Dan, The NOT-SO Cable GIRL! After she got her big break on The Blue Collar Comedy Tour by fucking her way to the top – in this case the top was Bill “Here’s Your Sign” Engvall – she became a household name, even creating her own brand of ‘tater chips! Now I don’t care who you are, man or woman, that’s funny!

 

Back and Better Than Ezra

Lotta people been axing alotta questions.

“Where y’all been?”

“Where y’all go?”

“Where the Bega Boys is?”

“What had happened to the bad boys of Bega-ville?”

“Y’all run out of things to talk about?”

“Y’all mad at each other?”

“Y’all got y’alls panties all wadded up inside your buttholes’ crack??

“Y’all dead or some shit?”

“Y’all been ‘napped by ISIS and your heads rollin’ ’round the desert like so many tumbleweeds?”

“Y’all fall off?”

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. Only thing we fell off was ya mama this morning after we finished deep-dickin’ her down through the peeholes in our boxers and then cumming in her wig. So why don’t you chill on the inquisition, fuccboi? Why don’t you have a seat on your new daddies’ knees and we’ll explain. Here’s what we’ve been up to the last few months (not in chronological order):

1. Singapore. Damn son. Southeast Asia was bomb. Got our table tennis on. Ain’t nothing like ping-pong night in the ‘pore fam.

2. The homie Jay 5-trillion had a baby so we went and played with that lil muhfucker for like 6 hours. Little fat ass cheeks suckin’ on a ba-ba. Hit dabs with Trillville and the baby and then bounced.

3. I watched American Sniper like 12 times.

4. Bought a Dairy Queen. Everybody knows that dairy is our favorite of the food groups. Milks, cheeses, and creams, baby. Honestly, dairy is like my calling in life. And who serves up the dairy better then DQ? Ain’t nobody. So finally owning my own Dairy Queen franchise is like my way to give back the community – to finally BE somebody. And I tell you this because I trust you, but a couple months back I was in a really dark place. I’m not proud of the person I was back then. I was munchin’ butts in an alley to raise funds to buy some ricotta. Now I’m back on my feet, slinging out Blizzards like I’m Halle Berry from the X-Mens.

5. Went to Alaska to see the aurora borealis. Shit was mad gay. Too many colors and a polar bear tried to suck my dick.

6. Felt some fly ass titties. Damn son. This chick Martha that works with my moms. Dope as fuck. Had both my hands on them shits and was like “Um hello, Mr. Areolas, welcome back to the Ritz-Carlton” and shit. Love titties, dogg. Love em.

7. Played “Duck, Duck, Goose!” with two ducks and a goose. Shit was mad literal.

8. SPACE MOUNTAIN, BIIIIIIIIIIITCH! Hell yeah.

9. Dog-sat for my neighbor, Sharon. She went out of town for work a couple months ago and needed someone to watch the dog and I was like “Hey Sharon, I’d be happy to watch Nutters for a couple of days,” and she was like “Are you kidding?! That would be great! Here’s his food, his bowl, his picture of Teddy Roosevelt, his toys, and a couple dookie bags for when he goes deuce all over the place,” and I was like “hell yeah, one step closer to eating this bitch out and maybe touchin’ on them titties…Damn son…love me some titties.” It’s been six months now since she’s been gone. Sharon, if you’re reading this, we hope your okay. Me and Nutters are fine. Also, if your not dead or anything I would like to put in a formal request to munch on them buffalo gums.

10. Protested the Ferguson verdict. Shit was fucked up. Now I’m out here doing the vigilante justice thing. If your walking around Fergie at night and you see a super swift shadow swoop by, I’m on the rooftop givin’ wedgies to any one in a government vehicle- hollatchaboi.

11. Made about a gazillion pee-pees.

12. Cut a guy’s throat and made it look like a suicide.

13. Homemade cole slaw had my stomach fucked up for like a week.

14. Went to Joshua Tree with Tom Sizemore. Did ayahuasca and vom’ed my dicks off. Then we watched Thin Red Line on my Kindle.

15. Packed my urethra Franklin with so much glitter, so that when I would cum it would look all crazy and be like a little celebration.

16. Saw Book of Mormon. Twice. Hated it. Not as good as American Sniper. God, I wanna fuck Brad Cooper bad. I mean I get headaches thinkin’ about it. Bradley “BC Powder” Coops got my head thumpin’. Ba-Ba-Ba-Bump.

17. Rizzoli and Isles marathon.

18. Went sailing with my buddy Tommy Scandinavia. He called me his “first mate.” It was fun. One night we drank some rum and woke up with our ass cheeks glued shut with marshmallow fluff.

19. Rizzoli and Isles marathon, part deaux. (It’s really good)

20. Got REALLY in to Chevy Truck Month.

21. Gave my step-mom the silent treatment until she admitted that she didn’t know what edamame was.

22. Surprised Grady and his wife on their honeymoon. Ate mad swordfish and fucked Grady’s wife, Jillian, on the beach under a waxing moon while he was passed out because he has 12 years sober and I slipped some rum into his virgin Mai-Tai because he’s a pussy.

23. Watched The Danish Girl Ultimate Edition on Amazon Prime. Not as good as American Sniper. God, Brad. I’m wanna tear you in half.

24. Got Pokemon Go and wandered into the ocean looking for water ‘mons. Woke up on a beach and smoked some weed with some pretty stinky Rastafarians then Uber’d back to the mainland with a guy named Chip who was deaf, but friendly. His wife died 6 years before and he was just making it work. We still e-mail. Didn’t catch ’em all, but I did catch a new friend.

 

 

For the love of God, Sharon…

For the love of God, Sharon, would you just open the door? Please? It’s cold as a Ayn Rand’s clitoris out here, and Robert Frost is nipping the fuck out of my nose. Seriously Sharon, can you please open the door? Would you just let me in so we can talk about it? Whatever it is? Is that too much to ask?

How am I supposed to know what I did wrong if you won’t even talk to me, Sharon? Just opemmup and let’s talk. I know we haven’t been communicating recently and I think that’s half our problem right there. I realize things haven’t been all gravy and we’ve hit a bit of a rough patch but that happens, Sharon! Shit! Every couple goes through it! Just ask Phil and Lorraine from down the street who have the son that I’m afraid of. You know, the one with the forearm crutches? ‘Member late last year when it seemed like every other week they were getting into it on the front lawn? ‘Member he put her head through the windshield after she pulled a Mrs. Doubtfire on him that one time and ripped the Jaguar off the hood of his car? But what always happened, Sharon? What ALWAYS happened? That’s right! They always made up and would end up buttfucking over the mailbox.

Would you please just let me in, Shar? I’ve had a hell of a day, and I just want to shower, slide into my Toon Squad jammies, and do the only thing in this world that makes me the least bit happy, and that’s seeing the smiling faces of my beautiful family. You and the kids, Sharon, that’s all I’ve got. Slater fired me today. I hate that I have to tell you like this, but it’s true. Apparently, he’s got me on “videotape” swiping “toilet paper” from the “ladies room”. But you love that TP, Sharon, and I would do anything to keep that tight, juicy fartbox of yours from gettin’ all raw. I’ve asked Theresa at work where she buys it, but she won’t tell me. It’s like she gets off on being the only one who knows. Seriously. I honestly think she squirts piss out of her puzz every time she gets to withhold the information about the toilet paper. It’s like, “come up off them TP deets, cunt!” Ya know? Anyway, I told Slater that, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if my boo boo baby’s boo-hiney gets all Charlie Chapped-Land. He doesn’t give one iota about that plump lil’ dumper of yours, but you know who does, Sharon? Me. Please let me in, Shar, and we’ll talk about whatever this is. We can get through it.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW, SHARON?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! OH I’M SORRY, ARE YOU THE LATE GREAT LENNY BRUCE BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW! LET ME IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE!….SHARON!! SHARON YOU OPEN UP THIS GODDAMN DOOR BEFORE I KICK IT DOWN! SHARON! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PILEDRIVE YOU INTO MY GRANDMA JENETTE’S GOD DAMN COFFEE TABLE THAT SHE GAVE US IN HER WILL! THAT’S HOW SERIOUS I AM RIGHT NOW!….baby?…Sharon?…would you please just let me in and let’s talk…..I think I may be catching a cold out here and I just need to grab a coat and I’ll leave, Sharon, if that’s what you want. Just let me in to grab some things and I’ll go. I don’t know what I did, but if you feel this strongly, I will go……YOU FUCKING BUCK-TOOTHED BITCH! OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR! THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE SHARON! THIS IS WHY YOUR REAL PARENTS GAVE YOU UP FOR ADOPTION! THEY LOOKED IN THEIR BABY’S EYES AND SAW A SELF-ABSORBED PSYCHO BITCH AND THEY GAVE YOU AWAY! I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY MOTHER! SHE ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO MARRY A FILTHY TIJUANA WHORE! “SHE’S A STRUMPET,” mom used to say. “SHE’S A TIJUANA WHORE THAT PUMPS DONKEY DICK FOR PESOS,” she said. BUT DID I LISTEN. NO. I TOLD HER YOU WERE MY SOUL MATE AND THAT YOU WERE AN ORTHODONTIC ASSISTANT AND WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN?! LOCKED OUT OF MY OWN GOD DAMN HOUSE! AND AFTER I SPENT $25,000 ON YOUR VAGINAL RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY TO REPAIR ALL THE DAMAGE THAT THOSE DONKEYS DID! YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THAT VAGINA IF IT WEREN’T FOR ME!…Shar?…honey?

…Nevermind, baby! Found my keys! They were in my jacket pocket the whole time! What’s for supper?

 

 

 

 

 

7 Uh-Mazing Things That Truly Are “Bae”. #1 Will Blow Your Mind Out Of Your Ass!

These days everything is ‘bae”, an unnecessarily shortened version of the word “babe” meant evoke love or desire towards something. Pumpkin spice is bae. Leggings are bae. My greasy granny’s wrinkly elbows are bae. The movie “Bebe’s Kids” is bae. Thing is, these are all superficial, tangible, worldly items that cannot bring you true happiness like a bae is supposed to. So we over at the LBCHWHFBDC (Lou Bega Called, He Wants His Fedora Back Dot Com) have curated a list of the top 7 things that truly are bae. Without further adieu….

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7. Trying your hardest to staying healthy in mind and body so that you may reach your full potential as the autonomous living, breathing miracle that you are IS BAE.

6. Doing your best to promote your feelings of empathy towards others when anger or judgment arises IS BAE.happinessinsidejob

5. Telling the woman or man you love that you hope that they have found happiness with her their new significant other and realizing you actually mean it IS BAE.

4. Traveling the world seeing beautiful architecture & landscapes while obtaining new perspective through immersion into different cultures IS BAE.

3. Staying passionate & positive about the goals you’ve set out in front of you and working as hard as you can to achieve them IS BAE.

2. Being content in your own life and staving off feelings of jealousy towards others IS BAE.

1. Calling your Mother, the woman who gave you life, & telling her thank you, that you love her, and that you are striving everyday to make her proud IS BAE.baewatch

Dear Groupons (An Open Letter)

Dear Groupons,

I’m not like a super business expert or nothing like that but could I offer you a little advice? You might not want to name yourself after a word that makes everybody think of tampons…unless you are actually selling tampons. It’s confusing.

And yeah, I get that it’s supposed to be like, Group+Coupons=Groupons. But literally 100% of people think Group+Tampons=Groupons first. And what’s a group tampon? Some sort of multi-tipped communal tampie that all these menstruating she-devils can plug in to their sacred honeypots before they binge watch the new season of Orange Is The New Black together? Honestly, it’s not a bad idea. You may want to rework your whole business model.

Or some folks may even think it’s Grouper+Tampon, and what’s that? Like a tamper for a fish? Like when a marlin gets his monthly blood-pocket, he pops in a Groupon so that he won’t attract any sharks? Or is the tampie made of fish? Like it’s some sort of fish stick that you soak in vodka and put up your pooze? Get real. I think I’ll just stick to my Tampax Pearl thank you very much.  Smells bad enough down there as it is. Whoof.

In conclusion, if I were you I would either change your name to something like “Groupie Coupies” or else start selling tampons. Thanks for your time.

P. Dickenson & Co.

When I’m a Ghost…

Kesha-Ghost-Sex-CasperWhen I get to be a ghost, baby boy, I’m gonna be living the life.

myrtle_ghostFloating around spookin’ on people?  You know it. Taking old greasy grannies’ wigs off, picking them up and flipping them upside down, so that everybody can see the holes in their panties? Faaaahgettaboudit.

My whole life, I’ve wanted to murder somebody. Murder ’em dead. Just kill them until they cease to be. Watch the last breath drain from their lifeless body like every air mattress I’ve ever slept on. But I’ve been too scared to go to jail. (See the system works!) But ghosts don’t gotta worry about none of that. They can murder people all day long and when Officer Beeftips comes and tries to locks them up in jail, they slide right out of those cell bars like butter, baby. Ectoplasmic butter. Just call me Paula Scream cuz I stay butter-spookin’, plus I’m a bit of a racist.

paula-deen-lawsuit-reactionWhen I’m a ghost, I’m gonna be pantsing everybody so that everybody can see how little everybody else’s teetees are. Everybody will point and laugh, blame it on the kid’s belt and, who knows, maybe we’ll even get a couple good nicknames out of the deal. Like “Mini-Cock Cunningham or Two Inch Pete or Timmy Little Pink Pencil Eraser Dick or Elongated Clit Cliff.” Then I’m gonna fly away and crawl out of a TV and possess some little girl’s body and puke all over the place, so that her bitch of a mom has got to clean it all up. Love makin’ hoes do housework.

People are going to fear the ever-living shit out of me. They might even try to ‘bust my shit. Honestly though, getting ghostbusted might not be the worst thing – I’d get a chance to meet “The Big B.M.,” Mr. Billygoat Murray. I like to think that we would instantly have this spiritual and subtle homoerotic connection. Maybe they’d let me hang out like Slimer and eat raw hot dogs. Eventually, they’ll kick Dan Aykroyd’s conehead ass to the curb and let me take his spot in the group as the first official ghost ghostbuster.sneakytequilaackroydThen I’ll spend the rest of my days shooting laser beams at marshmallow people. Shooting lasers and pantsing people. Plus, bustin’ makes me feel good. I mean, if they let Ernie Hudson hang out, they’ll definitely let me in.Plus, I’m not black. I’m white as can be. Translucent. I’m a muhfuggin’ ghost. You ever seen a black ghost?… I’ll wait…and Bill Cosby in “Ghost Dad” doesn’t count cuz that’s a fictional movie…can’t think of another one? That’s what I thought. And frankly, I’m glad because that would be scary as shit. Black and a ghost? That’s like seeing a fat zombie. You know they already hungry, but throw in a thirst for brains and you better haul ass to the nearest Tender Greens or vegan house or 24hour Fitness or other places fat people wouldn’t go.

Only bad thing about being a ghost is I might miss hanging out with my main bosom bro, Tradwick. But I told Trad, I says, we bosom bros, bro -in this life and the next. We still gonna hang out even when I’m a spookyman. Me and Trad are gonna “ghost ride the whip”, but for real. Ghost_Ride_Da_Whip_Cover-935He’ll be on top the car, flexin’ Teen Wolf J. Fox style, and I’ll be behind the wheel and it’ll look like he’s just a super tight badass and all the upperclass girls are gonna wanna chew on his werewolf dick like a stick of Trident Strawberry Twist. Who knows? Might even ax my new buddy Billy Murs if he wants in on some of this Junior and Senior class pooze. Lord knows Trad’ll have more than he knows what do with. I told him, I said “Trad, you got ten fingers and ten toes and two dicks and cancerous tumor growing in your chest, that’s 23 satisfied ladies right there!” Trad’s my best bro. Can’t wait for him to become a ghost too after this cancer takes him in a couple weeks and we can be ghost bros and spook people together like Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich.

When I’m a ghost, I’m not gonna live in some spooky abandoned mansion with a bunch of other ghosts like some season of Real World – Afterlife. I’m gonna set up a sweet ass ghost bach-pad in the back of a Lambert’s and throw rolls til I d.i.e. Shit’s so crucial, son! Ima be roll throwin’ all night and bringin’ home hot lil’ ghost sluts and sticking my nose in their fannies. I’m going to by nosefucking so much supernatural slizz that and I won’t ever miss Sharon! Well…maybe just a little. With her sweet labia lips wrapping around me like the wings of a mighty manta ray – no parnomal poon can compare. I’ve heard having a ghost dick is worse than wearing a condom. It really deadens the sensation.lamberts-cafe-2